Thursday, December 17, 2009

Sew Buttons On Your Underwear

For my appointment today, I was advised to wear loose clothing. And, so I did. But having exposed my derriere as many times as I have in the last few months*, I took careful consideration with my underwear. I knew that my pants would necessarily be lowered so I wanted to be sure the waistband was pretty, that the elastic was not unraveled or stretched out, and - heaven forbid - there were no holes.

I also knew the procedure involved x-ray.

The last time I got an x-ray was October 12 which was the first time I consulted my primary care physician regarding this pain I was having. I went to Radiology where I exchanged my clothes for a gown - cloth, not paper, but ill-fitting all the same. No metal was the rule - no jewelry and, if my bra had metal hooks, no bra. Under my ill-fitting gown, I was only in my drawers. And just so you know, these didn't have holes in them either. They were striped boy-short style from Victoria Secret.

I was posed in various positions - standing up and facing forward, standing sideways, lying down on my back, and lying on my side. Some of these positions were painful to get in and out of. But after some time we got it all done and I was allowed to return to my street clothes. It was then - I remember the exact moment - as I was zipping up my jeans I looked down and realized I had buttons on my underwear!

They're not functional, mind you, nor are they metal. But they were there. I came out of the dressing room, half dressed and with all humility (actually, humiliation was more like it) I had to confess that I had buttons on my underwear.

The technician looked at me with absolute disbelief. She was so incredulous that I had to lift the gown and show her. She quickly checked the images and determined that, for the present purpose, the buttons wouldn't interfere. However, she indicated she would "note the file" so that whoever saw the images wouldn't misinterpret the dark spots on my x-rays.

Needless to say, I made sure I wasn't wearing buttons on my underwear today!

*For purposes of this post, I am omitting exposure due to alcohol.

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