50 Days, One Year Later

A year ago today, I called up the fine surgeons at the hospital and told them No, Thank you. It was the right decision. Once I got off all the pain meds, I felt better. Much better. Good enough to get back to a normal life. Like walking. Like just being able to stand up.

There's no doubt in my mind that I still have a herniated disc and that it's a matter of when, not if, the pain will return. It reminds me every once in a while that it's still there - a mercifully gentle hello from my backside. Stiffness in the morning some days. An electric current that runs down the back of my leg from time to time. I wonder how old I'll be when it decides to get my attention for good. Whether I'll have insurance. Whether I'll have help. Whether pain management has improved any or if back surgery will be done as routinely removing a wart.

In the meantime, all I can do is do the best I can. And, to be grateful while I'm at it. To that end, I made a resolution to walk more. I started before the first of the year, and now I've walked 50 days in a row. Every day. There have been a couple days I had to walk inside - at a mall - but mostly I walk outside regardless of weather. I also try to walk during daylight hours but that isn't always possible. After one particularly busy day, it got to be eleven at night before I could get my walk in. I donned a reflective vest, grabbed a flashlight and went walking.

I don't go far. About a mile. But I go. Every day.

And I'm pretty happy about it.

Holidays

I didn't spend them on the floor this year so that's good. I get an occasional reminder - a not so gentle but generally brief jab of not exactly pain - that lets me know my fattened disc is still back there. It doesn't inhibit much except touching my toes and visiting the chiropractor. I don't know that either of those things would do any harm. I'm just not anxious to find out.

Otherwise, good. Happy to be upright, generally pain free, and walking. Outdoors.

Indulgences

Someone asked me today how my back was doing. It's a nice thing when someone does that but lately that question almost takes me by surprise. That's so yesterday. I suppose the greater the tragedy the longer it takes to move on from it which is to say that while it seemed tragic at the time, my back pain was small on the greater scheme of things. Thing is, I hardly think about it anymore and it's almost like the pain I felt was in a dream, a different place or time. (On the other hand, don't think I take it for granted. It was serious to me.)

I was still thinking about this later in the day when it occurred to me that there were only two things that were not to be missed just because I was confined to living in bed. This is ridiculous, I know, but it's absolutely true that no matter my condition I did not miss a single spa appointment. Specifically, my facials and my hair colorings. Two each.

This is a true testimony of my vanity, without a doubt. It took monumental effort and some coordination to pull off those visits and I never thought to cancel them. Did I go to work? Heck, no. I couldn't make it to the kitchen without needing to lie down. Was I expecting company? Again, the answer is no.

Here's the punchline. I did all that to maintain my "natural look." Embarrassing but true.

So, here's a bold-faced plug for the ladies I apparently cannot do without, ladies I would overcome, apparently, any obstacle to see. For facials and skincare I see C.J. at Park Lane Wellness Center and for hair I see Lynda Nuce-Warner at the 85th Street Salon. I have been seeing them both for close to fifteen years, if I had to take a guess. More than ten, anyway.

If I was at an awards ceremony or I walked around with production credits trailing behind me, these two names would clearly be on the list somewhere. You ladies make me look and feel great.

What A Difference Five Months Make

I was here in November, eating Vicodin and happy about it. I was in town (Palm Desert, that is) for a wedding and I had been in so much pain I wasn't sure I was going to be able to fly. Well, sit is more accurate since I, myself, cannot fly.

At the time, sitting was becoming a challenging occupation the way that touching one's toes becomes challenging for the elderly. That may seem exaggerated but elderly was what I was feeling, even as I edge towards that reality, as my pain kept me from doing things one normally does.

It wasn't long before not being able to sit was to develop into not being able to stand, and a reality I had not previously known. That of pain on a level I thought was made only of legend, the storytelling of people who were a little off, of seekers of attention. Little wonder those stories are not believed. They are unbelievable. I didn't believe it could be true, either, until I lived it. And, thank God, it was only for a short while.

But the story I tell today is one of remission. I am back in Palm Desert after an odyssey that bridges much more than distance. And, leaving out the details of what happened between then and now, I am happy to say that I am walking, biking, and swimming - all without pain. All without drugs.

I am here again, in April this time, not to see a wedding, not in pain, not taking drugs. And happy about it.

Strut

I saw a massage therapist on Sunday who is more into whole body therapy than massage. What I mean is, he is more of a diagnostician than a relaxing kind of fellow. In fact, his therapy is anything but relaxing.

The good news is, it didn't hurt (much). The last massage (in October) just about killed me! (Well, not really but it hurt a lot more than it helped.)

He gave me homework. I need to walk as if my leg muscles start just under my rib cage rather than at my hips. To effect this walk, I have to lean back so as to engage my stomach muscles and take a long stride. He said I should look snooty if I'm doing it right.

The reason he has me doing this is to acquaint me with some new muscles. Some of the leg muscles do indeed attach themselves at a point higher than the hip. Strengthening these muscles (and stretching others) will help me hold my body (specifically, my pelvis) in better alignment with my spine.

And there you go. Good as new.

I've been strutting around the neighborhood (not making any new friends) for the last couple of days. I can feel these muscles at work. Time will tell if this provides any lasting corrective or rehabilitative response in my body. It's worth a try, I figure.

Ides of March

... or I do March. Not, march, exactly. That would just look weird. But I've been walking and today I went eight blocks and enjoyed every step.

I was walking six blocks, now eight. A month ago I was walking zero so I'm feeling pretty good about eight.

I used to increase my mileage by actual miles. But now I'm taking it easy. Eight is good. And, I dare say, I can probably walk faster than the 90-year-old guy down the street. Not that it matters to me. I'm just glad to see him out walking too.

March Madness

I cancelled the March epidural. I continue to feel pretty good. Not even Advil that last couple days.

Delay of Game

The February epidural injection is now postponed until March. There are days when I think I will need it, and others when I don't. I'm just happy to be out of bed and, believe it or not, back at work.

(b)ack status

After canceling my back surgery, I set up an appointment for another epidural for later in February, and re-scheduled the surgery for April. I didn't think I would actually need either of these. They were more precautionary - or so I thought.

Now, I'm not so sure. I'm still not in much pain to speak of but my flattened spinal disk keeps reminding me that it's back there, still flattened. This doesn't worry me so much because I know the drill. I know what to expect if it gets worse, and I have some pretty good ideas of what to do (and not do) if that happens.

This really isn't surprising news. Just disappointing to think about. I'll just keep taking it easy and hope for the best.

Skinny

Don't know if I mentioned it but I've dropped ten pounds. You would think lying in bed for two months would add ten pounds, but no.

If I was ever going to do any modeling (which I wasn't) now would be the time. Weight wise that is. Pose wise I can do little more than just stand there! Bathing suit wise, however, would be a total disaster. Nothing but skin and bones. I need to get some work modeling big heavy sweaters.

More chocolate chip mint is in my future. Putting the weight back on will be fun - but will become dangerous when I don't want to stop eating cookies and ice cream. Oh well, I guess I'll worry about that ten pounds from now.

Woo Hoo

Liver test came back normal!

(I'm going drinking.....)

Nearing The Finish Line

Nurse Ratched called me this morning. She had received a message that I wished to cancel my surgery tomorrow. She was soooo sweet about it. (I think she just wanted to save her job but I haven't told that story yet.)

As backup, I scheduled an appointment for an epidural injection on February 23 and another surgery date for April 20. I don’t think I’ll need either of these but that’s the soonest I can get in. If I wait until I actually need pain relief I would have to wait a minimum of two weeks for the epidural and two months for surgery. Thought it was better to plan before any pain sets in. I can always cancel if I don’t need it.

I had one more blood draw this morning. Hopefully, it will be my last. The docs have been monitoring my liver function so this is just a checkup to see if it’s working properly. I should have results tomorrow. I expect everything to be okay.

I'll keep you posted.

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Oh, yes!

Eating Chocolate Chip Mint!

Game Off

I'm calling the surgery off. Nurse Ratched is going to have a cow when I call her on Monday to advise her. She already gave me an earful last Thursday when I wouldn't tell her over the phone whether I was going to keep my appointment. She told me People are waiting. I told her I have been waiting, too! This is an entirely different rant which I may post at a later date.

I've decided that I'm well enough to work and the pain is low enough to live with. It's to the point that I would call it stiffness more than pain. This is great news, of course, and my husband is very glad to have me back as a partner rather than a dependent.

I feel a little like I've invited you all to a large, elaborate wedding and then waited until all the pews were filled before I called the whole thing off. Embarrassed and relieved at the same time. I don't want any of you to think I was crying Wolf! or that I lost my marbles entirely. (Okay, the jury is out on the marbles charge.) This was all very real and I couldn't have endured it without you.

I am sincerely grateful to the many, many angels in my life. Thank you for the cards, calls, e-mails, text messages, phone calls, visits, food, support, encouragement, and prayers. It truly made a difference. More so than all the doctor visits, I am convinced.

This is not the end of back(b)log. Not quite yet. I feel like I owe you and a lot of other people an explanation - a reasoning for my decision. I wish I could do that now while it's all fresh in my head. But life is rushing on at an ever increasing speed and I am already swept up in its current.

In the meantime, I will find a moment to celebrate and I hope you'll celebrate with me. I told my husband when I got the surgery date that all I wanted when this was over was one scoop of Baskin-Robbins Chocolate Chip Mint. (I guess they call it Mint Chocolate Chip but then I'd have to call the new blog MiChoChi and I like ChoChiMi better....) I figured the surgery staff wasn't going to give me a lollipop or a sticker or anything so my goal was to get the surgery and then head straight to the ice cream shop. (As a courtesy to Cincinnati, there is no Graeter's here. If there was, this would be an entirely different discussion.)

But I'm not giving up the ice cream just because I'm giving up the surgery. That would be like giving up hope and I'm not about to do that. I have ten very intense weeks of work ahead of me and I'm going to need everything I've got to get through it. In fact, I'm off to work today but I'm taking a time out to get my scoop. If you get a chance, get one for yourself and enjoy the game (of football, of life, whatever).

Thanks for helping me get through this.

Chocolate Chip Mint

I'm moving to Chocolate Chip Mint, the new-and-improved blog all about me. (Because I am the center of the universe although I'm competing for that title with my Thinking Buddy.)

The web address is http://chochimi.blogspot.com/. ChoChiMi is my abbreviation for Chocolate Chip Mint. I thought that was clever. It makes me grin - and grinning is what ChoChiMi is all about.

I have a few more posts that will make it's way to back(b)log before shutting it down. (We're almost there.) Turns out this is my 90th post to back(b)log so I'll see if I can't make it an even hundred point something.

Please visit me at Chocolate Chip Mint. I'm looking forward to having some fun there and sharing it with you.

But, alas, I have to go to work..... I'll try to get caught up this weekend. Love you, and thank you for letting me share my story (rants) with you!!

Beautiful

I was doing a little surfing on my health care provider's web page, member's only section. There was a link to a page that would allow me to give them feedback on the health care I have received. (How has GHC affected your life....?)

I'm not in the rage I was in last night. So I think I was pretty reasonable when I simply wrote, I was disappointed. OK, that's not all I wrote, exactly. I acknowledged the things I like but summarized that I was disappointed when I really needed help.

The submit button didn't work......

Perfect.

WTF?

I have been puzzling over a seeming coincidence of facts: When I took more drugs, the pain increased. When I took fewer drugs, my pain decreased. NONE of my (21) doctors thought this was relevant. But it continued to bother me and I kept "googling" to find an answer: Does percocet increase pain, allergies to percocet, etc.

I think I found an answer in the form of "opioid-induced hyperalgesia." And now that I've found it, I am pissed. (This is an understatement, btw.)

According to an equally authoritative source (sarcasm intended)

"If you keep increasing your dose of opioid pain medication but pain is still an 8 or 9 out of 10, it's time to shift gears and try something else," says Miotto. She points out that at high doses, opioid painkillers can actually make your pain worse -- a condition called opiate-induced hyperalgesia.

(WebMD.com: Back Pain: Medication and Addiction)

So why did they continue to increase my meds even though I complained the pain was increasing. On exactly November 20, I was prescribed oxycodone (percocet) and on exactly November 20 my pain increased. (I was previously taking hydrocodone, also a narcotic.) The pain increase wasn't a matter of I think this is getting progressively worse. It was noticeable. Why wasn't it a red flag that I had to refill my prescription every ten days?

I just finished the process of getting off this narcotic and had the opposite reaction - I got better. A LOT better. Again, it wasn't a gradual change, it was a pretty quick reaction.

Coincidence? I'm of the personal opinion as the patient and the one who's been taking these drugs and living this freaking nightmare that it is not a coincidence.

I have been on drugs longer than necessary, in more pain than necessary, suffered liver damage (most likely not permanent but I'm throwing it in there for dramatic effect because this is my temper tantrum, goddammit), and may miss this surgery date because I found out too late to make the necessary adjustments. Too late for my body to adjust to the new input (or lack of it) and give me new information.

If I continue to get better, hallelujah. I have it coming, sister. But if I pass on this surgery and my condition gets worse (during my income producing months, obtw) - well, the truth of it is I will just have to deal with that.

I don't have any more. I just really needed to unload.

Dwinking

No, not as in I want to dwink youw bwood. That would be Elmer Fudd acting as Dracula. Dwinking is a double-wink. But not two winks. To dwink you have to be able to wink with both eyes - at the same time.

Go ahead, laugh. It's not as easy as you think because it's easily confused as a blink which is entirely different. Blinking provides moisture to the eyes. A dwink will also provide moisture to the eyes but it also conveys meaning.

Did you know that an independent study* found a single dwink is approximately 1.9 times more effective than two successive winks in conveying its message? It also showed that it had a success rate higher than double blinking by 3.14159%

According to this Wikipedia entry:

A wink is an informal mode of communication usually signaling, depending on context, sexual attraction or shared hidden knowledge or intent... .

Two winks in a row often was used by the sender as a subtle way to imply something said by the sender, immediately beforehand, was "sneaky", "tricky", "misleading", or "untrue" to the receiver... .

To close and open, or "wink", both eyes is usually an involuntary action known as a "blink". Though if done intentionally, in a particular way (such as once slowly or a few times in a row quickly), while giving a sweet or suggestive look with the eyes, often with the head tilted or at an angle in combination with the shoulders, is know as to "bat an eyelash", "bat/batting eyelashes", or "flutter/fluttering eyelashes". This is most commonly done by girls, as a way of flirting, showing interest, or in an attempt to persuade the receiver (usually a gullible male) to get what they want.

(All emphasis mine.)

I did not just make that up. That's what it says. You guys are so easy.....

A dwink, by contrast, is not intended to wile or guile anyone of any gender. It conveys a deeper meaning between sender and receiver, one of love or deep sympathy or appreciation.

Caution: Do not dwink and dwive.

*Testing was animal free.