I want to get this off my chest

My Boobs are Trying To Kill Me

I never wanted to tell you that I had cancer

I don’t wear pink

My Eyes are Up Here

Nipple

These are all titles I considered last year as I pondered whether to write about my cancer journey. The first title was something a dear friend said to me. The five year anniversary of her Stage 1 diagnosis is this month. (I love you, V, and I'm hella glad your boobs didn't kill you because I need you to get me though this!)

I told as few people about my cancer as I could get away with. I tole my immediate family, my employers, and the friends I saw nearly every day. Otherwise, I didn't want to make a big deal of it. Whatever I was going through, it wasn't as bad as so many other cancer patients, past and present, had it. Regardless of what I was personally going through, it felt like sympathy was not warranted. 

I have two pink shirts. I wear them rarely. I'm just not a pink girilie-girl. Grew up with boys, had only boy cousins for (30 years), and had boys. I have one grandson. We get along fine. I have no idea what to do with my granddaughter when she asks me to do her hair. Needless to say, I'm not comfortable wearing pink to show my support for breast cancer research and survivorship. Don't get me wrong, I support both of those things. I just don't feel like advertising my own situation.

I've never really had a problem with guys staring at my chest (because my boobs were so small) but it's a common complaint among women and now that all of my focus was on my boobs, I imagined everyone else's was, too. I was still here, though, and I wanted to people to see all of me.

Finally, "nipple" is a word that gets used with alarming frequency in the early stages of breast cancer. It's practically (and, in fact, was) dinner conversation with - well, everyone. It's all about the nipple. Can it be saved? Can it be reconstructed or tattooed. Are there nipple prostheses? The answer is yes to all of them but here's the thing. If you're going to have breast cancer, you and the people you're closest with are going to have to get comfortable with the word "nipple" because it will be used frequently in the first several weeks. A lot.

The title of this post is my attempt at humor. I wanted the cancer off my chest. (Sadly, now, I'm getting my wish.) There was a time I wanted the implant off my chest. I wanted to get all that I was feeling - am feeling - off my chest. 

I just want it to be over as I'm sure so many other cancer patients do. I'm just doing the best I can. I hope you are, too.