back(b)log

50 Days, One Year Later

2011-02-08T08:29:00.000-08:00

A year ago today, I called up the fine surgeons at the hospital and told them No, Thank you. It was the right decision. Once I got off all the pain meds, I felt better. Much better. Good enough to get back to a normal life. Like walking. Like just being able to stand up.

There's no doubt in my mind that I still have a herniated disc and that it's a matter of when, not if, the pain will return. It reminds me every once in a while that it's still there - a mercifully gentle hello from my backside. Stiffness in the morning some days. An electric current that runs down the back of my leg from time to time. I wonder how old I'll be when it decides to get my attention for good. Whether I'll have insurance. Whether I'll have help. Whether pain management has improved any or if back surgery will be done as routinely removing a wart.

In the meantime, all I can do is do the best I can. And, to be grateful while I'm at it. To that end, I made a resolution to walk more. I started before the first of the year, and now I've walked 50 days in a row. Every day. There have been a couple days I had to walk inside - at a mall - but mostly I walk outside regardless of weather. I also try to walk during daylight hours but that isn't always possible. After one particularly busy day, it got to be eleven at night before I could get my walk in. I donned a reflective vest, grabbed a flashlight and went walking.

I don't go far. About a mile. But I go. Every day.

And I'm pretty happy about it.

Holidays

2010-12-27T18:03:00.000-08:00

I didn't spend them on the floor this year so that's good. I get an occasional reminder - a not so gentle but generally brief jab of not exactly pain - that lets me know my fattened disc is still back there. It doesn't inhibit much except touching my toes and visiting the chiropractor. I don't know that either of those things would do any harm. I'm just not anxious to find out.

Otherwise, good. Happy to be upright, generally pain free, and walking. Outdoors.

Indulgences

2010-05-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me today how my back was doing. It's a nice thing when someone does that but lately that question almost takes me by surprise. That's so yesterday. I suppose the greater the tragedy the longer it takes to move on from it which is to say that while it seemed tragic at the time, my back pain was small on the greater scheme of things. Thing is, I hardly think about it anymore and it's almost like the pain I felt was in a dream, a different place or time. (On the other hand, don't think I take it for granted. It was serious to me.)

I was still thinking about this later in the day when it occurred to me that there were only two things that were not to be missed just because I was confined to living in bed. This is ridiculous, I know, but it's absolutely true that no matter my condition I did not miss a single spa appointment. Specifically, my facials and my hair colorings. Two each.

This is a true testimony of my vanity, without a doubt. It took monumental effort and some coordination to pull off those visits and I never thought to cancel them. Did I go to work? Heck, no. I couldn't make it to the kitchen without needing to lie down. Was I expecting company? Again, the answer is no.

Here's the punchline. I did all that to maintain my "natural look." Embarrassing but true.

So, here's a bold-faced plug for the ladies I apparently cannot do without, ladies I would overcome, apparently, any obstacle to see. For facials and skincare I see C.J. at Park Lane Wellness Center and for hair I see Lynda Nuce-Warner at the 85th Street Salon. I have been seeing them both for close to fifteen years, if I had to take a guess. More than ten, anyway.

If I was at an awards ceremony or I walked around with production credits trailing behind me, these two names would clearly be on the list somewhere. You ladies make me look and feel great.

What A Difference Five Months Make

2010-04-29T19:27:00.001-07:00

I was here in November, eating Vicodin and happy about it. I was in town (Palm Desert, that is) for a wedding and I had been in so much pain I wasn't sure I was going to be able to fly. Well, sit is more accurate since I, myself, cannot fly.

At the time, sitting was becoming a challenging occupation the way that touching one's toes becomes challenging for the elderly. That may seem exaggerated but elderly was what I was feeling, even as I edge towards that reality, as my pain kept me from doing things one normally does.

It wasn't long before not being able to sit was to develop into not being able to stand, and a reality I had not previously known. That of pain on a level I thought was made only of legend, the storytelling of people who were a little off, of seekers of attention. Little wonder those stories are not believed. They are unbelievable. I didn't believe it could be true, either, until I lived it. And, thank God, it was only for a short while.

But the story I tell today is one of remission. I am back in Palm Desert after an odyssey that bridges much more than distance. And, leaving out the details of what happened between then and now, I am happy to say that I am walking, biking, and swimming - all without pain. All without drugs.

I am here again, in April this time, not to see a wedding, not in pain, not taking drugs. And happy about it.

Strut

2010-03-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

I saw a massage therapist on Sunday who is more into whole body therapy than massage. What I mean is, he is more of a diagnostician than a relaxing kind of fellow. In fact, his therapy is anything but relaxing.

The good news is, it didn't hurt (much). The last massage (in October) just about killed me! (Well, not really but it hurt a lot more than it helped.)

He gave me homework. I need to walk as if my leg muscles start just under my rib cage rather than at my hips. To effect this walk, I have to lean back so as to engage my stomach muscles and take a long stride. He said I should look snooty if I'm doing it right.

The reason he has me doing this is to acquaint me with some new muscles. Some of the leg muscles do indeed attach themselves at a point higher than the hip. Strengthening these muscles (and stretching others) will help me hold my body (specifically, my pelvis) in better alignment with my spine.

And there you go. Good as new.

I've been strutting around the neighborhood (not making any new friends) for the last couple of days. I can feel these muscles at work. Time will tell if this provides any lasting corrective or rehabilitative response in my body. It's worth a try, I figure.

Ides of March

2010-03-15T18:45:00.000-07:00

... or I do March. Not, march, exactly. That would just look weird. But I've been walking and today I went eight blocks and enjoyed every step.

I was walking six blocks, now eight. A month ago I was walking zero so I'm feeling pretty good about eight.

I used to increase my mileage by actual miles. But now I'm taking it easy. Eight is good. And, I dare say, I can probably walk faster than the 90-year-old guy down the street. Not that it matters to me. I'm just glad to see him out walking too.

March Madness

2010-03-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

I cancelled the March epidural. I continue to feel pretty good. Not even Advil that last couple days.

Delay of Game

2010-02-23T18:31:00.000-08:00

The February epidural injection is now postponed until March. There are days when I think I will need it, and others when I don't. I'm just happy to be out of bed and, believe it or not, back at work.

(b)ack status

2010-02-15T13:06:00.000-08:00

After canceling my back surgery, I set up an appointment for another epidural for later in February, and re-scheduled the surgery for April. I didn't think I would actually need either of these. They were more precautionary - or so I thought.

Now, I'm not so sure. I'm still not in much pain to speak of but my flattened spinal disk keeps reminding me that it's back there, still flattened. This doesn't worry me so much because I know the drill. I know what to expect if it gets worse, and I have some pretty good ideas of what to do (and not do) if that happens.

This really isn't surprising news. Just disappointing to think about. I'll just keep taking it easy and hope for the best.

Skinny

2010-02-15T12:57:00.001-08:00

Don't know if I mentioned it but I've dropped ten pounds. You would think lying in bed for two months would add ten pounds, but no.

If I was ever going to do any modeling (which I wasn't) now would be the time. Weight wise that is. Pose wise I can do little more than just stand there! Bathing suit wise, however, would be a total disaster. Nothing but skin and bones. I need to get some work modeling big heavy sweaters.

More chocolate chip mint is in my future. Putting the weight back on will be fun - but will become dangerous when I don't want to stop eating cookies and ice cream. Oh well, I guess I'll worry about that ten pounds from now.

Woo Hoo

2010-02-08T15:36:00.000-08:00

Liver test came back normal!

(I'm going drinking.....)

Nearing The Finish Line

2010-02-08T10:06:00.000-08:00

Nurse Ratched called me this morning. She had received a message that I wished to cancel my surgery tomorrow. She was soooo sweet about it. (I think she just wanted to save her job but I haven't told that story yet.)

As backup, I scheduled an appointment for an epidural injection on February 23 and another surgery date for April 20. I don’t think I’ll need either of these but that’s the soonest I can get in. If I wait until I actually need pain relief I would have to wait a minimum of two weeks for the epidural and two months for surgery. Thought it was better to plan before any pain sets in. I can always cancel if I don’t need it.

I had one more blood draw this morning. Hopefully, it will be my last. The docs have been monitoring my liver function so this is just a checkup to see if it’s working properly. I should have results tomorrow. I expect everything to be okay.

I'll keep you posted.

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2010-02-07T16:13:00.000-08:00

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2010-02-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

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Oh, yes!

2010-02-07T15:58:00.000-08:00

Eating Chocolate Chip Mint!

Game Off

2010-02-07T09:27:00.000-08:00

I'm calling the surgery off. Nurse Ratched is going to have a cow when I call her on Monday to advise her. She already gave me an earful last Thursday when I wouldn't tell her over the phone whether I was going to keep my appointment. She told me People are waiting. I told her I have been waiting, too! This is an entirely different rant which I may post at a later date.

I've decided that I'm well enough to work and the pain is low enough to live with. It's to the point that I would call it stiffness more than pain. This is great news, of course, and my husband is very glad to have me back as a partner rather than a dependent.

I feel a little like I've invited you all to a large, elaborate wedding and then waited until all the pews were filled before I called the whole thing off. Embarrassed and relieved at the same time. I don't want any of you to think I was crying Wolf! or that I lost my marbles entirely. (Okay, the jury is out on the marbles charge.) This was all very real and I couldn't have endured it without you.

I am sincerely grateful to the many, many angels in my life. Thank you for the cards, calls, e-mails, text messages, phone calls, visits, food, support, encouragement, and prayers. It truly made a difference. More so than all the doctor visits, I am convinced.

This is not the end of back(b)log. Not quite yet. I feel like I owe you and a lot of other people an explanation - a reasoning for my decision. I wish I could do that now while it's all fresh in my head. But life is rushing on at an ever increasing speed and I am already swept up in its current.

In the meantime, I will find a moment to celebrate and I hope you'll celebrate with me. I told my husband when I got the surgery date that all I wanted when this was over was one scoop of Baskin-Robbins Chocolate Chip Mint. (I guess they call it Mint Chocolate Chip but then I'd have to call the new blog MiChoChi and I like ChoChiMi better....) I figured the surgery staff wasn't going to give me a lollipop or a sticker or anything so my goal was to get the surgery and then head straight to the ice cream shop. (As a courtesy to Cincinnati, there is no Graeter's here. If there was, this would be an entirely different discussion.)

But I'm not giving up the ice cream just because I'm giving up the surgery. That would be like giving up hope and I'm not about to do that. I have ten very intense weeks of work ahead of me and I'm going to need everything I've got to get through it. In fact, I'm off to work today but I'm taking a time out to get my scoop. If you get a chance, get one for yourself and enjoy the game (of football, of life, whatever).

Thanks for helping me get through this.

Chocolate Chip Mint

2010-02-05T08:29:00.000-08:00

I'm moving to Chocolate Chip Mint, the new-and-improved blog all about me. (Because I am the center of the universe although I'm competing for that title with my Thinking Buddy.)

The web address is http://chochimi.blogspot.com/. ChoChiMi is my abbreviation for Chocolate Chip Mint. I thought that was clever. It makes me grin - and grinning is what ChoChiMi is all about.

I have a few more posts that will make it's way to back(b)log before shutting it down. (We're almost there.) Turns out this is my 90th post to back(b)log so I'll see if I can't make it an even hundred point something.

Please visit me at Chocolate Chip Mint. I'm looking forward to having some fun there and sharing it with you.

But, alas, I have to go to work..... I'll try to get caught up this weekend. Love you, and thank you for letting me share my story (rants) with you!!

Beautiful

2010-02-03T19:14:00.000-08:00

I was doing a little surfing on my health care provider's web page, member's only section. There was a link to a page that would allow me to give them feedback on the health care I have received. (How has GHC affected your life....?)

I'm not in the rage I was in last night. So I think I was pretty reasonable when I simply wrote, I was disappointed. OK, that's not all I wrote, exactly. I acknowledged the things I like but summarized that I was disappointed when I really needed help.

The submit button didn't work......

Perfect.

WTF?

2010-02-02T18:55:00.000-08:00

I have been puzzling over a seeming coincidence of facts: When I took more drugs, the pain increased. When I took fewer drugs, my pain decreased. NONE of my (21) doctors thought this was relevant. But it continued to bother me and I kept "googling" to find an answer: Does percocet increase pain, allergies to percocet, etc.

I think I found an answer in the form of "opioid-induced hyperalgesia." And now that I've found it, I am pissed. (This is an understatement, btw.)

According to an equally authoritative source (sarcasm intended)

"If you keep increasing your dose of opioid pain medication but pain is still an 8 or 9 out of 10, it's time to shift gears and try something else," says Miotto. She points out that at high doses, opioid painkillers can actually make your pain worse -- a condition called opiate-induced hyperalgesia.

(WebMD.com: Back Pain: Medication and Addiction)

So why did they continue to increase my meds even though I complained the pain was increasing. On exactly November 20, I was prescribed oxycodone (percocet) and on exactly November 20 my pain increased. (I was previously taking hydrocodone, also a narcotic.) The pain increase wasn't a matter of I think this is getting progressively worse. It was noticeable. Why wasn't it a red flag that I had to refill my prescription every ten days?

I just finished the process of getting off this narcotic and had the opposite reaction - I got better. A LOT better. Again, it wasn't a gradual change, it was a pretty quick reaction.

Coincidence? I'm of the personal opinion as the patient and the one who's been taking these drugs and living this freaking nightmare that it is not a coincidence.

I have been on drugs longer than necessary, in more pain than necessary, suffered liver damage (most likely not permanent but I'm throwing it in there for dramatic effect because this is my temper tantrum, goddammit), and may miss this surgery date because I found out too late to make the necessary adjustments. Too late for my body to adjust to the new input (or lack of it) and give me new information.

If I continue to get better, hallelujah. I have it coming, sister. But if I pass on this surgery and my condition gets worse (during my income producing months, obtw) - well, the truth of it is I will just have to deal with that.

I don't have any more. I just really needed to unload.

Dwinking

2010-01-30T18:43:00.000-08:00

No, not as in I want to dwink youw bwood. That would be Elmer Fudd acting as Dracula. Dwinking is a double-wink. But not two winks. To dwink you have to be able to wink with both eyes - at the same time.

Go ahead, laugh. It's not as easy as you think because it's easily confused as a blink which is entirely different. Blinking provides moisture to the eyes. A dwink will also provide moisture to the eyes but it also conveys meaning.

Did you know that an independent study* found a single dwink is approximately 1.9 times more effective than two successive winks in conveying its message? It also showed that it had a success rate higher than double blinking by 3.14159%

According to this Wikipedia entry:

A wink is an informal mode of communication usually signaling, depending on context, sexual attraction or shared hidden knowledge or intent... .

Two winks in a row often was used by the sender as a subtle way to imply something said by the sender, immediately beforehand, was "sneaky", "tricky", "misleading", or "untrue" to the receiver... .

To close and open, or "wink", both eyes is usually an involuntary action known as a "blink". Though if done intentionally, in a particular way (such as once slowly or a few times in a row quickly), while giving a sweet or suggestive look with the eyes, often with the head tilted or at an angle in combination with the shoulders, is know as to "bat an eyelash", "bat/batting eyelashes", or "flutter/fluttering eyelashes". This is most commonly done by girls, as a way of flirting, showing interest, or in an attempt to persuade the receiver (usually a gullible male) to get what they want.

(All emphasis mine.)

I did not just make that up. That's what it says. You guys are so easy.....

A dwink, by contrast, is not intended to wile or guile anyone of any gender. It conveys a deeper meaning between sender and receiver, one of love or deep sympathy or appreciation.

Caution: Do not dwink and dwive.

*Testing was animal free.

Update

2010-01-30T10:27:00.000-08:00

I upated the Mostly Red post with a much better picture of the Pessimist's Mugs.

Mostly Red

2010-01-29T17:02:00.001-08:00

My husband broke a coffee cup today. It was one of my favorites but then I got to thinking (uh oh) that a coffee mug can say a lot about a person, especially first thing in the morning. I thought it was also a good mood indicator. Sort of like the terror alert colors.

Most of my favorite coffee cups are red - which does not make me a national threat even on my worst day. But they're a pretty good indicator of what kind of mood I'm in.

If you see me drinking from this cup, just turn around and walk away. Don't say anything, just leave.

There's nothing really wrong with this cup and I especially like the duck. But it's not red. It's not one of my favorite cups. If I'm drinking from this cup, I'm in a quiet mood, introspective. Maybe melancholy.

This one strikes a serious pose, doesn't it? It's a take charge, get things done sort of mug. But is has an appeal, striking, simple.

These are my snuggle under a blanket and read a book cups. They're for cold, rainy days when I want to feel cozy.

These are my seasonal mugs. I don't suppose I have to tell you which season.

These are special purpose mugs. They're shaped like a heart if you look at them from above. They're my valentine mugs and it's the XOXO that got broken. These are my flirty mugs so now, unfortunately, I can only be half as flirty.

Sweet! I had to make two to get the right shot. I'll be on a caffein buzz all morning! These are my Work Avoidance mugs. (They're good for blogging.) If I'm drinking from one of these, I'm feeling mischievous.

If you see me drinking from this one, you know it's going to be an all around good day. For me anyway. I have no idea how your day is going to be. These are my favorite books as well.

Editors note: None of these pictures have been retouched.

Uh Oh

2010-01-29T16:13:00.000-08:00

Whenever I start a sentence with "I was thinking...." my husband says, "Uh oh."

I had to see another doctor today. This one was in the field of Womens Health. I have another appointment in the category of Womens Health on Wednesday. This doctor was not included in my previous doctor count of 21 since October. Also not included was my dentist. Which was what got me to thinking. (Uh oh....)

Could we save some time if we could do those two things together?

Part of the Womens Health thing is regularly scheduled maintenance (every two years and 20,000 miles). But I've been having some other troublesome symptoms that none of my doctors could explain. I kept telling them I thought it was related to all the narcotics I've been taking*. But no one else saw a correlation.

But today's doctor did. She welcomed me to the time in a woman's life known as perimenopause. You know what I said?

Uh oh.

*Big Bro: They were prescribed.

Sinking

2010-01-28T19:45:00.000-08:00

I'm just curious about something. If your toothpaste falls off your toothbrush before you start brushing and falls in your bathroom sink, do you use it anyway? Or start all over?

If you're eating a cookie over the kitchen sink ('cuz where else would you eat it?) and a bit of it falls in the sink, do you eat it anyway? Does your answer change if the part that fell in the sink contained a chocolate chip?

The Morning After

2010-01-28T19:38:00.001-08:00

The opera was beautiful last night. The arias were breathtaking, the crowd rewarding the performers with thunderous applause.

I made it through the entire performance but my back was plenty sore when I got home. Glad to lie down. I eventually fell asleep after much tossing and turning and was relieved I wasn't sore this morning.

I wasn't as sore as you might of been if this is what you were doing last night.

Pssst

2010-01-28T19:23:00.000-08:00

You know what I do when my husband isn't home? I leave lights on in uninhabited rooms and turn up the thermostat.

My readership is so limited (read, exclusive), I'm sure he'll never find out.

Mwah ha ha ha ha....

Not All About Me

2010-01-28T19:11:00.000-08:00

I can relate on soooo many levels.

"And yet, I failed to do the necessary, um, maintenance."

Link: Praying to Darwin: Breaking Up Is (Surprisingly, Not That) Hard to Do

The Downside To Getting Well

2010-01-27T15:48:00.000-08:00

There are many. I don't get coffee in bed anymore unless I get up and make it myself. Imagine!

And work. I might be expected to do it! The fact that I made a rare appearance at the office today won't help any either.

It also makes the decision about whether to have the surgery a little fuzzy, a little gray. I like black and white. (Look at my wardrobe. Or my profession for that matter.) But gray? I don't know what to do with gray.

On the other hand, I might have the best of both worlds, black and white. I'm in just enough pain to know I don't want it anymore. But I'm well enough that it won't be absolute agony to wait another 13 days.

If you consider Avatar an advantage then you can list that in the Plus column as I got out to see it on Sunday. Painwise, it got a little rough towards the end but I was invested in the story at that point so I rode it out to the very end. (The best part is the 3D glasses.)

If you consider attending the opera an advantage, that's another one for the plus column. I'm seeing Il Trovatore tonight which is a great deal longer than Avatar. (I'll have to wear a bra.... It's only polite.)

Going to the opera also ruins my plan to let my holiday nail polish chip off over time. As in, "how many licks..." one wonders "how many chips" until it's all gone? We may never know the answer to that one unless I don't have another hot date until next Christmas in which case I can start the experiment all over again and hope that it's all gone by this coming December. (It could happen.)

So I bit the cotton ball and groomed all ten. Not that it should matter. The vast majority of opera patrons can't see well enough to notice my nails in full light much less after the lights go out.

But painting my nails does make it difficult to type so I'm taking the rest of the day off.

Delay Of Game

2010-01-26T17:08:00.000-08:00

The surgeon has some sort of scheduling conflict so I got rescheduled for February 9. That's not a terrible thing in that I've been feeling well lately and the new date gives me a little more time for me to decide if this is really right for me.

It's confusing, I know, because I finally got what I was after (getting the surgery and a chance for relief) and then I have doubts about whether I should go through with it. I would like to claim Woman's Prerogative on this one.

The last two days have been relatively pain free which is a good thing but confusing as hell because it came out of nowhere with no apparent explanation except I could possibly be getting better. Welcome to the party, spine! What took you so long?

Besides, given the care I've been receiving, is anyone surprised this happened??

(The delay will not impact the Grand Opening of Chocolate Chip Mint.)

Despair

2010-01-25T18:04:00.000-08:00

Here's the winner of the Caption Contest.

Walk In The Park

2010-01-25T11:56:00.000-08:00

Hardly. But I made it around the block today. Big step. (Actually, several average ones.) The sun came out and I took advantage.

I learned the other day that if I walk counterclockwise around the block, I won't see the lake if I can't make it all the way around the block and have to turn back. So I made the radical move of walking around the block in a clockwise direction so in the event I had to quit, I would have at least seen the lake.

The strategy worked with the only exception (a good one) being I didn't have to quit. I had absolutely no pain so I kept going. It wasn't a case of ignoring the pain, or pushing through the pain. I didn't have any.

I ended up walking all the way around with no pain whatsoever. Got home, made a latte, put the wet laundry into the dryer, and still no pain. Sat down to blog and now there's pain. I wrote two posts and then got up to iron a couple shirts and the pain fell to the background. Sat down for one more post and the pain just stayed there - in the background.

My timer just went off to remind me it's time to take more pain medication. Usually, I can't wait. Today, I was surprised. Already? So soon?

Weird.

Side Note

2010-01-25T11:19:00.000-08:00

I find it interesting that the only health care practitioners I've seen more than once in the last few months are the chiropractors, one of the acupuncturists, and the lab technician. The next time I "see" my surgeon, I may be unconscious so I'm not sure if that counts.

To be fair, I've had multiple contacts with various doctors by e-mail. And from an organizational perspective it makes sense. No one at the top actually does the work. That's what the little people at the bottom are for. I just find it interesting and wonder if that's part of the reason it feels so impersonal. (Props to everyone "at the bottom" who took wonderful care of me, btw. The largest portion of gratitude goes to my husband, of course, without whom all of this would have been impossible. Not to mention my producer, my manager, .... Wait. Where am I?)

Here's another interesting factoid. My latest experience is that the less percocet I take, the less pain I'm in. How is that possible? Coincidence or is there some correlation? With the percocet out of the way, all the other drugs in my body have a chance to do their thing? Is that possible??

Weird.

When Harry Met Lynn

2010-01-24T20:08:00.000-08:00

(Thanks for the idea, Leslie.)

As a follow up to the cliffhanger of Meet Harry, I thought it only fair to let you in on how this story ends - or how I think it ends.

I'll never see Harry again.

Crushed? Disappointed? Waiting for a happy ending? Well, put your handkerchief away. Truth is, I generally don't go to the doctor enough for her (or him) to remember me or our last visit. What that means is I'm generally a healthy person and the only reason in the past to see my doctor is because I have to do those annual or biannual things that one has to do when one reaches a certain age. (Seems the older I get, the more they need to check up on me to make sure my parts aren't wearing out and to give me the okay for another two years and 10,000 miles before my next checkup.)

Until, of course, I needed to go I didn't really care who my doctor was.

Since my birthday (October) I've seen two chiropractors, one massage therapist, two acupuncturists, three physical therapists, two primary care physicians, one physician's assistant, one anesthesiologist, one surgeon and his assistant, one lab technician (on three separate occasions), two MRI technicians, three radiologists, and one spine specialist. The total is 21, if you were counting. That excludes all my traction appointments (seven), phone consultations, nurses, pharmacists, and administrative people (including a Patient Advocate). This also excludes any time I spent researching on the web, or my husband's time driving me to all my appointments to pick up my prescriptions.

The point is this. With any luck my health will be drastically improved sometime in the very near future and I will go back to seeing my doctor almost never. My checkups generally fall under the category of Women's Health and I see someone else for that so I won't be seeing my "regular" doctor again before he retires. Although he's just taken the position of Chief of my local clinic a year and one half ago, he's 65 now. I'm sure he'll continue to practice medicine for the next several years but if I'm lucky it won't be on me.

So long, Harry. It was nice knowing you.

Coming To A Computer Near You

2010-01-23T12:32:00.000-08:00

Chocolate Chip Mint

Cookie Alert

2010-01-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

House cleaners are coming tomorrow. If I'm going to eat cookies over the sink, today's the day.

(Your) Body Is A Wonderland

2010-01-21T11:54:00.000-08:00

Traitor, is more like it.

Just sayin'.

It'll Be Our Little Secret

2010-01-21T11:45:00.000-08:00

I went outside today. And I didn't stop at the mailbox. Nope. I kept going. A beautiful taste of OUTSIDE. Oh, yes.

And I did it right, too. I showered, brushed my teeth, put my hair up and - wait for it - sunglasses. Yessiree. Sunglasses.

It was sunny for little while yesterday and I missed it. I waited and by the time I thought about going outside, it was gone. I wasn't going to let that happen again.

Was it worth it? Hell, yes. I walked to the corner, exchanged niceties with a neighbor and walked all the way to the corner. I could see the lake. So, beautiful it was today.

I wanted to keep going. You don't know how I was tempted. But I turned around. I went back home. With a smile on my face, feeling the sunshine on my neck, the gentlest breeze on my face.

I won't even think about tomorrow. I'm just going to enjoy today.

(I never want to stop walking again.)

Afterthought

2010-01-21T10:33:00.001-08:00

Maybe instead of walking, I should run. For a seat on Group Health's Board of Whatever governing body.

Just checked e-mail and there's one from my doctor. ALT and AST levels are dropping which is a good thing. (High levels indicate liver damage.) We'll test again in a few weeks. Good news.

Meet Harry

2010-01-20T18:49:00.003-08:00

This is my new doctor, Dr. Harry Shriver. He was quoted in a couple articles regarding healthcare, or rather the healthcare debate.

Here he is in The New York Times. And, again in USA Today.

He seemed alright but 30 minutes was hardly enough time to size each other up. It wasn't even enough time to do the physical exam in the time allotted. He was aware of my concerns already since some of my complaints were recorded "in my file"when I fired my previous doctor. He wasn't simply aware of them, he seemed to understand them.

Group Health's local reputation isn't as good as these articles suggest. It's known locally as Group Death. Often, if I am complaining of my most recent healthcare woes, all I have to do is mention my healthcare provider and that's all my listener needs to know to understand what the problem is.

My husband and his kids have received very good care from Group Health. The doctors there detected and removed cancer from my husband's arm a few years ago and they diagnosed a very rare blood disease in one of the kids many, many years ago. I'm just saying it's not all bad at Group Health. It's not always been bad for me either. On the other hand, I've never been sick before so I never really needed it. (But I've been paying the premiums for the last twenty years, goddammit, so I want my money's worth!)

Group Health is spending a lot of money on their information infrastructure. Medical records are available to all doctors in the system by logging on to their network. X-ray and MRI images are there, all doctor reports and appointment summaries, medications, lab results. Much of that information is available to the patient as well. I can view or cancel upcoming appointments, I can schedule appointments (although this is a new feature that hasn't had all the bugs worked out). I can view my lab results and order most prescription refills which can be delivered (free) by mail. (They won't mail the hard stuff.) I can communicate with my doctor by e-mail or by phone appointment. This means fewer patients need to come in which is how they can reduce their patient caseload. All of this is good.

What they haven't figured out yet is how to keep the relationship personal. Usually, whoever I see (including my last doctor) doesn't face me when talking to me. They face the computer. They're typing notes or filling out some on-screen form. Not all of it is in English either so sometimes there's a pause in the conversation, if that's what you want to call it, because they have to figure out what code to use to abbreviate some condition, diagnosis, or procedure. It takes them longer to figure out what the abbreviated code is than it would have taken for them to type it in English or medical jargon.

The experience has become so impersonal that I am emotionally moved when someone breaks the mold and makes eye contact. And for just one moment, even, gives the perception that they care. I'm serious. That's enough to make me cry right there on the spot. (To be honest my eyes are leaking just a little bit right now just thinking of it.)

I went with a friend to one her doctor's appointments recently when that very phenomenon happened. She finally got a referral to a pain clinic two years after her symptoms started. (It's a slow process, this healthcare.) We met a charming gentleman who reviewed her file (on paper) - let me just pause right here. HE READ HER FILE, ladies and gentlemen. I hate to inform you but usually they don't! They only rely on their own experiences with the patient rather than try to understand the patient's past trials and failures. Incredible. And by taking the time to do this he was able to find multiple errors in her written file. How crazy, not to mention irresponsible, is that?

And then, here's the totally amazing part, he summarized her case history, without having taken notes or referring to her file. He quite succinctly boiled it all down, with accuracy, and with eye contact. He understood. You don't know what this means to us. To be heard. I don't know yet if he can help her but he scored major points for being compassionate. Seriously, huge moment but one hates to get hopeful as we've been disappointed so many times before.

Yes, we want to be healed. But we also want to be heard. (Cared for, would be nice too.)

I hope it works out for Harry and me. We'll see.

The Long And Winding Road

2010-01-20T18:31:00.000-08:00

I Walk The Line

There was a time when I walked every day. It wasn't really a fitness thing, although I did walk frequently for fitness. No, there was a time when walking provided pain relief. I haven't actually tried it in about six weeks. Oh, I've been out to doctor appointments since then but not much else.

Back then I thought I wanted to walk forever. Because that was the only time I wasn't in pain. And I was outside. How I love OUTSIDE. But I also wanted to champion a cause. Because my personality dictates that I don't "dabble." I "master." And if I can't "master," I quit.

That's why when I started running some years ago, I didn't stop until I had run two marathons. But that's another story.

Then, one day, I stopped walking. Unfortunately, I was still a few blocks from my house when it happened. Walking wasn't relieving the pain anymore. I could only go a few yards at a time before I needed to rest and that's how I got home that day.

These Boots Are Made For Walking

Before then, when it didn't hurt, I thought I would fight to rid the world of pain. I would bring awareness to those of us who suffer from chronic pain whatever the source. I would champion the cause of pain sufferers everywhere. I would get the medical community to notice us and to do something about it.

By walking.

Walking On Sunshine

So just for grins and giggles one day I decided to use Google Maps to map out the route from my house to my dad's house. I live on the Left Coast and he lives on the Right. It's about 3,000 miles. Google Maps has a feature where you can select the mode of transportation. Car, public transportation, or walking.

What the heck? (Is that WTH?) I chose walking.

Turns out it's about a hundred miles shorter if I walk. It took Google Maps a second or two to figure out the route, but it did. The directions were right there.

I zoomed in closer - close enough I could see street names and followed the route on my screen. The route looks beautiful. The path follows some very nice trails here in Washington, and it goes through beautiful national forests, follows rivers, and by lakes. It crosses Lake Michigan by ferry, takes you into Canada, and brings you back into the US at Niagara Falls - which I have never seen.

Walking After Midnight

It would only take 37 days, roughly. That's assuming no breaks, of course.

So let's do the math. If I walk three miles per hour, for ten hours per day, I could walk there in roughly 100 days. Right? Just over three months if I walk every day. If I walk five hours a day, that would be 200 days. More than six months. If I do....

Walk This Way

Okay, let's get real. I have trouble walking past the threshhold of my front door! It's a pretty good day if I make it to the mailbox.

Maybe I should start small. Like to my mom's house. At least, she lives in the same State. That's about seven miles. Just over two hours. Now, we're talking.

Still, it's a stretch given my current state. How about work? That's even closer and I can walk on a bike path all the way there along Lake Washingon. It's very nice. That's just under five miles. Better.

Walk Right In

I could walk to Starbuck's. But what's the point? It's only around the corner.

Day Dream Believer

I still think it's a cool idea.

Despair, Inc.

2010-01-19T10:51:00.001-08:00

Despair, Inc. is having a caption contest. The idea is to write a caption for the following image. Below are my submissions.

You're supposed to be able to vote, although I haven't seen that portion of the contest appear on their website yet. Check it out. Even if you're not interested in voting, the website is fun.

Voting is supposed to go through Wednesday.

The blog is here.
The website is here.

Indecision
The Paralyzing Fear That One Wrong Move and You're Toast

Friends
There to Guide You Through the Obstacles of Life
Unless They're Blind

Idealism
Hope in the Face of Crushing Reality

Seduction
Surrounding Him With Temptation
And Finding a Way for Him to Take the Bait

Reality
Knowing When it's Time to Suck it Up

Youth
The Time in Your Life to Seize Opportunities
Before They're Crushed by Reality

Letter From Haiti

2010-01-17T15:22:00.001-08:00

The earthquake in Haiti is a tragedy with heartbreaking consequences for those who are there and for many around the world who are not.

On the 16th, a sometime-contributor to my favorite blog, posted a letter from his wife, Lissa, who was in Haiti during the earthquake. Since I read this blog daily, I feel as though he is a part of my family in a way. My heart goes out to him and to his wife.

His post and her letter are here: 76003.1414: Lissa

He received another letter today. Please read it and take the time to help.

Today's letter: 76003.1414: Letter From Haiti

If nothing else, pray to Whomever or Whatever you believe in.

MLK

2010-01-17T14:02:00.000-08:00

I received - actually, won in a game of Greed - a 2010 calendar from Despair, Inc. The truth is that no else else wanted it which was fine by me because I'm a big fan.

I wanted it for the office. I have a number of electronic calendars but just for ease of reference I like to have one on my wall. (My apologies to environmentalists.)

As it turns out, however, I'm going to miss the entire month of January at the office so I thought I had better crack open my new calendar so I could enjoy it at home during the last few weeks of the month.

It didn't fail to disappoint, right from the outset, to the point where I thought it might have been intentional. A few of the pages were stuck together as if someone had spilled something on it before it got shrink-wrapped.

After getting November un-stuck from December I turned the page to January where the caption reads,

Economics
The Science of Explaining Tomorrow Why The Predictions
You Made Yesterday Didn't Come True Today

I might mention here that I was an Economics major. Then again, I might not.

My second disappointment came when a little slip of paper fell from the calendar. It reads,

It should be no surprise that we at Despair, Inc. made a mistake in our calendar layout. Please accept our apologies and correct the placement of Martin Luther King, Jr. Day in January by applying this sticker over the appropriate date grids. The responsible parties at Despair were promptly fired upon the discovery of this error.

Turns out that was the reverse side of a sticker, the front side of which was a portion of the January calendar correctly laid out so that Martin Luther King, Jr. Day appears on the 18th not the 13th as was printed on the calendar.

So there you go. I'm thoroughly disappointed with the calendar.

Regarding Martin Luther King, Jr., I just saw the film Talk to Me about Petey Green, a radio personality in the DC area during the late 1960's and early 1970's. It's a good movie and would highly recommend it. The assassination of Dr. King is a poignant moment in the film. It captures the profound sorrow (as well as many other emotions) that people felt that day and the days that followed.

I think I remember the day he died. But I was only five so I was completely unaware of the significance.

I am now.

I Never Think Alone

2010-01-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

(That's why I have you.)

I have a friend who tells me I have a thinking problem. She should know. She's a recovering thinker herself.

I thought I had my thinking under control. I thought I could hide it. That no one knew. But she always knows when I've been thinking. I can never fool her.

I don't know if I can stop. I don't know if I can get through the day without thinking.

I never think before noon. But I guess that's not enough because I think so much in the afternoon that I more than make up for it.

What if I was just a social thinker? You know, only when I'm with friends? They're thinking. Why shouldn't I be thinking, too?

She tells me thinking can be a serious problem and I shouldn'd make light of it. "One think is not enough and two is too many." She's right on the money on that one. I become someone else entirely once I start to thinking.

I promise her I can quit. I'll go cold turkey. I won't think any more. She just shakes her head and tells me it'll never last.

She urges me to take a look at how thinking is affecting my life. My work. I love her. I trust her. But I don't know if I can give up thinking - forever??

In blogdom, she said, I'll meet other thinkers just like me. Thinkers who will share their experiences with thinking. She tells me I'll get better if I share what thinking has done in my life.

I don't know if I believe her. But, for her and the ones I love, I'll try.

I've got to get my thinking under control!

Thank you, friend, for telling me I'm a problem thinker.

Note: I mean no disrespect towards those who think, who have a problem with thinking, or who are trying to quit.

Post Script

2010-01-15T18:01:00.001-08:00

Just an update.

My good fortune pain-wise didn't continue. I was sore by the end of the day yesterday and sorer still today. I worked part of the day from bed, part of it sitting. I got through the sitting but paid for it afterward. It's just faster to work on a regular computer than a laptop. (More comfortable for my right arm as well.) The pain goes away when I lie down but it's usually pretty aggravated by the time I do so it takes several minutes.

That's okay. I enjoyed it while it lasted!

Just Like Donald Trump

2010-01-15T17:41:00.000-08:00

... or You're Fired!

I fired my doctor yesterday.

Her office called yesterday to cancel our appointment today. She had called in sick. They wanted to reschedule my appointment with another doctor but it would remain at the same time. I agreed and hung up.

But I was frustrated. She's taken two separate one-week vacations in the last six weeks (she's entitled), she's missed appointments (not rescheduled, missed), and the last time she was on vacation her substitute wouldn't refill my prescription (inconvenient, to say the least) and e-mails that I was advised by her staff to send were not read.

So, I called back and said it was not okay to reschedule me with the substitute doctor. I wanted to consult with the doctor who's been handling my case before I HAVE SURGERY. Granted, this is not a life threatening situation but it's important to ME!

Her first available appointment was January 28 which is one week and one day before the surgery date. I told her that was unacceptable. I'm supposed to be off some of these drugs by then (a surgery requirement) and I wanted to discuss the time frame for getting off the rest of them. Besides, my prescription will run out on the 21st and narcotic drugs not easily refilled, as previously alluded to.

Not to mention, I've received my lab results which indicate my liver is now damaged. I don't think it's serious or life threateing. I believe it's entirely related to all these drugs, but the indicators are high enough that we should discuss it.

What if she misses that appointment? I'm screwed!

She countered with the 27th.... Argh.

I asked if there was a waiting list. There is not but I am welcome to call back.

Then, I want a different doctor. Not a substitute doctor, a new Primary Care Physician. I would rather not get someone else up to speed but I have been unhappy about the way my case has been handled since the very first day I called for help and the soonest they would schedule an apointment was a full week later. This was the last straw and I had finally reached my limit.

I understand she is a popular doctor and it is difficult to get an appointment with her but that's just not going to work for me. (Oh, and my Patient Advocate? Never heard from her again.)

So now I have an appointment with the top dog at the clinic - the Chief, no less - on the 20th. I feel good about this resolution. I'll meet Dr. Chief and size him up a little. I can pick someone else if I want to but I'm done with my current doctor.

Turns out I'm not as decisive as The Donald and it sometimes takes me a long time to come to the realization that a situation is unacceptable. But I usually figure it out sooner or later.

*This Gives Me An Idea

2010-01-13T19:57:00.001-08:00

*(From previous post)

I had an idea about doctors and the TSA. You have to get undressed for both, so why not combine them? Think about it! Get a bathrobe, a colonoscopy and a boarding pass.

(The TSA guy is already wearing rubber gloves, come to think of it.)

There has to be enough savings in there somewhere to fund universal healthcare. The facilities and parking are already in place, not to mention public transportation (with our without pants).

Travel agents would come back into vogue as they could schedule your healthcare appointments to coincide with your travel arrangements.

If you could add a salon to the airplane, we'd be all set. (Except for that rule about chemicals... Bah.)

Thinking No More

2010-01-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

...Doing

A funny thing happened on the way to work today. Nothing.

I woke up this morning and felt pretty good. But I faked it until my coffee cup was empty and my husband left for work before I got out of bed.

I felt pretty good yesterday too. I had to go to the doctor's office to get my pre-surgery lab work done which was a whole lot of sitting. A lot more than I've done in, well, months to be honest. I rode in the car and had lunch with my hubby. I was getting a little uncomfortable at that point but I ate everything on my plate. (My appetite has been a little off.)

Two more pills, and off to the doctor's office where there was maybe another hour of sitting in various exam rooms or waiting rooms. I wished I had come in my bathroom as I had to undress twice and thought it would have been more efficient if I hadn't dressed in the first place*. Even though I had dressed, I was mindful of Buttons On The Underwear because I had to have another x-ray.

Then, back in the car, and home. I was still feeling okay so I thought I would work from a chair instead of the bed and so set up my office in the dining room as hubby was using the den. I worked for a few hours, made dinner, and ate it. (Lasagna, yum.) Hum drum for you maybe. But wild and crazy for this girl.

So this morning I thought I would take a chance and go to work - across the hall to the den. I got dressed and everything. (Not everything. I figure when you work at home, underwear is optional.) And, I worked there all day.

I took a rest at the end of the day, lying down to read my favorite magazine, Real Simple. I'm up now and I'm experiencing some intermittent tingling down my right leg. Not sure what that's about. I'm just hoping it goes away. That could happen, right?

It was a good couple of days but I know better than to get my hopes up for anything more. I've already cried Wolf too many times. I'll have my dinner, and swallow my pills, go to bed, and leave it at that.

*This gives me an idea.

It's The Thought That Counts

2010-01-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to blog. Does that count?

Smoking Is Lonely

2010-01-08T15:06:00.000-08:00

I was going to eat a cookie today over the sink to catch the crumbs. Do you ever do that? But the house cleaners came today and these ladies are professionals. My house has never, ever been so clean. I thought I was a pretty good housekeeper, myself, until these ladies showed up. After seeing what they could do, they proved me to be the amateur that I am.

My stainless steel, double basin kitchen sink was gleaming before me as I went to eat my cookie and I couldn't do it. I didn't want to mess up the sink. Not with crumbs. Not even with water. I have to go outside to eat my cookie now. It's cold out there. It's windy out there. This is what smokers must feel like, shunned from the world of INSIDE.

If I'm not careful, they'll start sweeping outside and make me keep a 25-foot radius from any door or window. It's only a matter of time before I can't eat cookies at all! What is this world coming to?

2%, Skim, Soy....

2010-01-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

... or Got Milk?

I don't have any in the house. Milk, that is. I need it from time to time for cooking or baking so I keep a box of powdered stuff for that because usually a recipe will call for quantities smaller than you can typically buy. I suppose it's nasty if you have to drink it but I don't think you can tell if it's in my cake batter.

So, riddle me this: If I use half as much water to mix it up, does that make it 2%?

ha HA!

2010-01-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

I just lost my connection to my remote connection to my office computer. Guess who's Avoiding now????

You Are What You Wear

2010-01-08T08:11:00.000-08:00

I had a doctor's appointment with the neurosurgery department a few days ago and it was decided that surgery is the way to go.

The appointment went as most appointments go. Wait in the waiting room until my name is called and fill out some forms. They're the same as the forms I filled out last time. No, I was told, they're slightly different so I have to fill them out again.

Then my name got called and I went into an exam room just barely larger in each direction than my arm span.

I started off with a nurse who asked me a bunch of questions which were on her computer screen. How much do I weigh, how tall am I, what seems to be the problem today. I get worried when she asks me how to spell glute. As in, gluteus maximus. I guess I have to give her a break because it turns out I don't really know either. Is it glut or glute? In any case, I thought she should know.

Later I was visited by a Physicians Assistant. She introduced herself as Kathleen, adding that she likes to go by Kat. I immediately liked her because I have a cousin named Kathleen-but-goes-by-Kat. She's wore the requisite white lab coat, paired with a fantastic pair of red patent leather pumps. The heel isn't a "sensible height" either. Those shoes were awesome which served to distract me from, at the same time confirming, my suspicion that she is all of 25 years old.

Finally, in walks the surgeon. Nice enough guy, Dr. Lee. Seemed confident, assuring. But he kept pointing to my left side while explaining how he would be operating on my right side. This concerns me. I made sure all the paperwork is correct. Do I need to write instructions on my back? Should I leave the quarter and the dime there so he knows what it should look like?

Just as we were finishing up he turned away from me to make some notes on the computer and that's when I saw the label on his pants. The brand label was on the outside of the pants like they are sometimes with jeans. His slightly casual khakis were from OLD NAVY. They cost - what? - $15?

Hold the phone. Hold everything! Bring me the surgeon wearing Armani. Maybe Gucci or Hugo Boss. Is Prada in the house? Even Ralph Lauren for crying out loud! But OLD NAVY? I decided I had better try some physical therapy exercises again in a last ditch effort to get better before February 5!

I looked up his bio today. He got his PhD and MD from University of Chicago in 2000 and 2001, respectively. He did his neurosurgery residency from 2001-2009 at University of Washington.

Ten years may seem like a long time to this young guy, but to me it's practically yesterday. He's only been out of school for less than a year. He must have exorbitant loans to repay which accounts for the cheap slacks, right?

He went to school in Chicago which means he's tough so I'll cut him some slack(s).

(Sorry.)

Pink

2010-01-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

I saw the sun come up this morning. Well, not actually, but I knew it was out there.

I have a skylight above my bed and above that floated a pink cloud.

Nice.

W**k

2010-01-07T07:48:00.000-08:00

It had to happen sooner or later, right? I'll try to make some time for Avoiding later.

I guess if one makes time for Avoiding then, by definition, it isn't really Avoiding after all, is it?

Does this count? A little?

31 Days To Go

2010-01-05T18:58:00.000-08:00

It could actually take longer than 31 days to get relief or I may get no relief at all. But I'm scheduled for surgery February 5 and I'm daring to be hopeful. I only have a few minutes so I'll have to fill in the details later.

I was told I have a better than 50/50 chance of getting some relief from this procedure. About 70% or so. If my symptoms presented more like "sciatica" with pain radiating down my leg, then my chances would be in the 90's somewhere.

I was also told that if 50 people had the surgery and 50 people didn't, all 100 people would be roughly in the same place pain wise a year from now. So, it's still possible that this would get better, given enough time.

I'm not a patient patient. Not patient enough to wait it out another year anyway. I scheduled the surgery.

I have a list of things to do before then. I've already read the materials they gave me about the procedure itself and it's very interesting. I'm looking forward to filling you in on the details. I'm hoping to find some good pictures I can put up so you can see what they're going to do.

But, I've run out of time. Gotta run.

Hard day pain-wise. Pretty good day news-wise.

From The Field

2010-01-05T14:24:00.001-08:00

...aka posted by phone.

News bulletin! I'm scheduled for surgery on Feb 5. I'll fill you in on the details later.

Time To Eat!

2010-01-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

Well, almost. The fact is I eat every couple of hours because that's my "dosing schedule" and I feel less nauseous if I take these pills with some food. You would think that being home all day, avidly avoiding, that I would have a bag of Cheetos in bed with me. A sultry idea, if it wasn't for the fact that it would turn my fingers orange - and therefore the keys on my laptop and probably everything else. Now, potato chips ... a salty idea... Oh, never mind.

Actually, if it wasn't for the fact that my legs are probably atrophying I would say that I'm in the best shape in my life. I'm developing a beautifully sculpted right shoulder from typing on my left side, my right arm supported by nothing but my sheer will and stubborn persistence. Of course, one would also have to ignore that persistent pain in my caboose.

I snack all day on carrots, apples, celery, prunes, yogurt, or raisins. And, I drink lots of water. Which means by dinner, I'm not terribly hungry. Turns out it's a pretty healthy diet and even allows for an occasional cookie or two. (The toffee, sadly, is all gone.) You might think that I'd be turning into Augustus Gloop. Instead, I've lost five pounds. (Time to rethink the Cheetos idea.)

Tomorrow, I'll meet with someone in neurosurgery and they will look at my file and determine whether I'm a candidate for surgery. I think I've used the words "pledge" and "not ever" before, so you would think I would qualify as a candidate of some sort.

At least I don't have to worry about feeling too good. I had a couple of good days after I dropped one anti-inflammatory drug in favor of Advil in the cocktail mix. It seems any change in the mix is deconstructed and rejected by my body within a couple days. It starts off good, I get hopeful, and then my body just absorbs it. I don't know how to explain it. I feel like the drugs aren't working so I get prescribed more or different drugs which only momentarily confuses my body. It quickly catches on, though, and we're back to the status quo.

Good news, depending on how you look at it, is that I'm getting some w**k done. I'm probably a little behind schedule but I'm making decent progress. I'd be able to w**k much faster if I could just sit at my desk.

If this condition lasts much longer, I will eventually have to build a horizontal w**kspace at the office so I might was well try to rig one up at home. I can figure out what w**ks and what doesn't before I have to do it for real at the office.

At least I have an office with a door that I can shut so clients won't wonder what in the heck I'm doing! Maybe I should design the whole office to appear as if it's rotated 90 degrees. I can just say to the client, "What's wrong with you?"

And Now, The News

2010-01-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

Some unmentioned activities may be on the increase or decrease in this unknown location:

Theft from motor vehicle: 10:44 a.m., 600 block of 8th Street Northeast. Persons unknown vandalized three vehicles in unknown ways, resulting in undisclosed damages.

(more or less here)

01/02/2010

2010-01-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

I'm surprised 76003.1414 didn't pick this up and it wasn't caught by its usually astute regional staff. Yesterday's date was a palindrome. It works as 01/2/10 also. I guess everyone was busy Avoiding.

Anyway, Happy (belated) Palindrome Day! (Are there any merits awarded for Procrastination?)

My Best Friend

2010-01-02T18:46:00.000-08:00

...actually, my second best friend (right, Honey?) is my little Acer Aspire One netbook. It's my connection to the outside world, the one outside my bedroom. It does have this unpleasant hobby of just freezing from time to time. Annoying, really. Monitor freezes. Keyboard freezes. I have to turn the thing off, then on, to fix it.

I don't know why this does this or have any idea of what to do to prevent it. I e-mailed Acer and they told me to run it in safe mode. I did this and it ran coutinuously for four days. And, then just as I said Eureka!, it crashed. I e-mailed Acer and never heard back. I should follow up with them. I will. Someday.

But, I've dropped it several times - it falls down the crack between the bed and the night stand - and lost the Enter key (which I was able to find and press back on). And I carry it from room to room when I want to change my view by lying down in front of the fire in the living room or upstairs in front the TV pretending to take an interest in sports.

It's not really good for remoting (verb? hey, winningest is a word) into work. The screen is great but if I really want to be productive I need a mouse and a ten-key number pad. Two monitors would be even better but at that point I might as well go to w**k.

I've discovered it's good for reading the paper.

I have always had a subscription to the local paper - The Seattle P-I, before it ditched the paper and went online only, and now, the The Seattle Times.

I've never liked getting my news oline. I don't know why. Maybe because it's endless and I could never possibly read it all. I don't like department stores for the same reason - too big, overwhelming. Sure, it got my hands dirty but there's something cozy about it with a cup coffee.

But when I gave up walking as a viable mode of self-propulsion, the papers starting stacking up outside. (Honey gets his news online and he wasn't about to go out in this weather to get it if he didn't have to.) So, I decided to put my subscription on hold for a little while until such time as I'm more likely to actually read it. In the process, I stumbled upon Seattle's Times e-Edition. As a regular subscriber, all I had to do was sign up.

I love it! It looks just like the paper version complete with photographs and advertisements. (Yea, I know, welcome to the 21st century.) It has all the sections of the regular paper. I can search, preview, and "turn" pages. Read articles as they appear in the paper, or read as a text document. I can e-mail them, print them, or save them. I can read back issues. The only thing I can't do is share it (as in, You want the Sports section, Honey?) - although I haven't tried logging in on two computers simultaneously. And, I can't wrap my coffee grounds in it.

I like it so much I think I may cancel the paper edition. I'm actually thinking about it. I'd be saving trees and money. (Factoid: U.S. "paper" currencys is made of 25 percent linen and 75 percent cotton so I'd be saving that too!)

I like the e-Edition better than Seattle Times' website.

I recognize that both the e-Edition and the paper edition are static. Often by the time I read the paper (in either format) the news has changed. There's new news and updates to the current news that I can't get until the next edition.

But this a slippery slope, I know. Just in writing this post, I've rediscovered the P-I's website. It's vastly improved since it first went live. And it's layout is appealing to me. (Although the food column they used to have still isn't on their online version.) It still feels bottomless to me compared to the static version but I'll give it a try.

I've already "googled" e-books and taken a quick look at what e-books are available at the library. Egad! I could be on to something here!

Pinch Me

2010-01-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what's going on here. I'm dreaming, or high, or both. I've been up for about an hour and a half. Up, as in not lying down. What's going on here? I got up and fussed around with a few chores: took the sheets off the bed and started the laundry. Cleaned up the breakfast dishes and decided today was the day to completely disassemble and clean my coffee maker and grinder.

Then I thought I would really put myself to the test. I sat down. I've been sitting for about an hour now and the laptop is actually on my lap.

Am I crazy? Why am I trying to refute this recent development? Because I don't trust it, that's why.

The drug mix is exactly the same as it was yesterday. I felt good yesterday, but I wasn't ready to believe that it was any more than marginally better than the day before.

But here's the caveat, I think. I'm pretty high. The only thing I remember about getting high (as in, I never inhaled - which was a long, long time ago btw) is that I didn't like it. I'm don't feel quite that high but I feel - I don't know - different.

That doesn't concern me so much as the fact that I'm sweating and dizzy. These are usual precursors to passing out. Be assured, I am sitting so if I do pass out I don't have far to fall. And, I'm not in a room with hard wood floors.

I could have worked up a light sweat just doing those chores. I could be dizzy just because - well, that probably is the drugs. I have (almost) passed out before after taking the percocet. High levels of pain can make you pass out as well. (That's number 10 on the scale.)

So now what? I don't mean to complain here, but a neurosurgeon is not likely to recommend me for surgery if I show up with a silly grin on my face and tell him "I feel great!"

I hurt. Don't get me wrong. But it seems to be at a tolerable level.

Percocet (which is what I'm taking) is a combination of oxycodone and acetaminophen. Percodan is a combination of oxycodone and aspirin. Combunox is a combination of oxycodone and ibuprofen. The point is, maybe it's not the oxycodone that's not working for me. Maybe it's the acetaminophen.

Anyway, if this keeps up I'll ask my doctor about it.

Can You Spare a Dime?

2009-12-31T18:58:00.000-08:00

I've taken to sleeping on my spare change. Actually, I think I mentioned here (or maybe on Facebook) that I've been carrying around a quarter and a dime which I use to visualize a healthy back. If you lay them next to each other, it would look like a cross section view of a healthy disc (the quarter) and spinal column (the dime).

I've decided that my back just wasn't getting the message so now I've taken to sleeping on them. Yes, they're there, right under my back pillow.

I'm thinking there may be some interference in the signal due to the back pillow so I'm giving some thought to taping them directly to my back as close to the injured disc as I can estimate.

Don't knock it. I once heard of a lady who taped a silver dollar to her baby son's bellybutton because it was an "outy" and she thought it would pop. I believe this was the same lady who taught me the phrase "sew buttons on your underwear."

Suddenly, a lot things make much more sense, don't they?

Avoid Alcohol

2009-12-31T18:42:00.000-08:00

Some of my medications indicate one should Avoid Alcohol. I looked up "avoid" and got this:

–verb (used with object)
1. to keep away from; keep clear of; shun: to avoid a person; to avoid taxes; to avoid danger.
2. to prevent from happening: to avoid falling.
3. Law. to make void or of no effect; invalidate.
4. Obsolete. to empty; eject or expel.

Good thing I looked it up, too, because I was using "avoid" as
-verb
1. don't go out of your way for.
2. not a problem if you weren't planning on operating heavy machinery anyway.
3. besides, wine is it's own food group.

Being the last day of the year, it's good I figured that out. Not that I was planning on going anywhere. Pizza and a movie. (And, maybe a litte wine through a straw.)

Side Effects and Their Side Effects

2009-12-31T17:30:00.000-08:00

All these drugs have side effects, right? Such as addiction, although I think it's more polite to say chemical dependence when it's a prescribed drug. There are some side effects which I pledge I will never talk about here. Not ever. (Did I say pledge? Did I say not ever? Hmmm. I've never really thought about moving to DC before....)

Some of these side effects have an upside. Such as, I have been introduced to the nutritional value and tastiness of prunes. And, I no longer notice that the powder never fully dissolves in my juice. And, I'm reminded that MOM doesn't just refer to my mother.

Some of these side effects contribute to my daily pill consumption as I must take more pills to counter the effects of other pills. And, guess what? Some of these side-effect-battling drugs have side effects of their own. Oh, yes.

So it breaks down like this: I was taking one pill a day before October, and one multivitamin. Now, in addition, I take 6 pills for pain, two more to counter their side effects, 12 for inflammation, and six more as an anti-depressant. (What they tell me is the antidepressants are for pain. I think they're really for patient management.)

Yesterday, I felt slightly nauseous. Part of the problem, I think, is we exchanged two yellow ones for the 12 brown ones. Just a bad exchange rate. But to counter this increase in anti-inflammation pills, she doubled the dosage in the anti-depressants so I only have to take half as many. It also means the green ones are now white. Not white like the white ones. Those are tablets. These are capsules. Follow?

Since we'll be going at least another month with the drugs, I recently reviewed all my meds with my doctor. She asked me if we had already tried acetaminophen or ibuprofen as the anti-inflammation ingredient in our little recipe. We had tried the acetaminophen (some time ago) but not the ibuprofen. The brown ones are just Advil (ibuprofen) but it takes four Advil, three times per day to reach the desired dosage, which definitely exceeds label recommendations. (She just told me to ignore those.)

Actually, when this whole thing started, all I was taking was Advil until I started exceeding the limits on the label. That's when I called my doctor. And so here we are, almost right back to where I started. Wouldn't that just be a doozey - if Advil turns out to be the answer? (It was always there right in front of me. There's no place like home, there's no place....)

In fact, I've been telling anyone who would listen since day numero uno that ibuprofen works better for me than acetaminophen. This is just the first time anyone took into account the patient's input.

As it turns out, I do feel a little better today. I don't know if it's the Advil or not but I'm more careful to eat something with my dosings to avoid the nausea. I did have a slight headache today which I didn't even think was possible! (But that could have something to do with my interpretation of Avoid Alcohol.)

X-Rays

2009-12-31T16:57:00.000-08:00

The neurosurgery department called today and asked if I wouldn't mind getting a couple more x-rays done before our appointment on Tuesday. Yea, I thought. They've already looked at my file. They have a plan. They called me.

Well, of course, I wouldn't mind. I went straight to the doctor's office. Of course, I was careful not to repeat the Buttons Incident. I wondered, did the Radiology Tech see the Note In My File? Was in part of my Permanent Record? Would I be searched for buttons?

I gave her no buttons to find, and as it turned out, she never asked and I was quite relieved.

The poses she put me in were different from the last time which was good because I couldn't figure out why Neurology wanted new x-rays when x-rays won't show a herniated disk. At least these pictures are of slightly different things which means they have something in mind. I mean, perhaps they were thinking and not just following a standard protocol. (Best Practices, I'm told they're called.)

After that was done, I swung by the pharmacy to pick up a whole bag of drugs. (I'm thinking of purchasing a reusable tote bag. Maybe I can create a bag that doubles as a tote and a pill box with separate chambers or pockets for the various medications and they're varying dosing schedules. (Coming to a pharmacy near you....)

When I got home, I called the Neurology Department and reported the x-ray task was completed. (The whole thing is digital now so they could already see the images on their computer.) I asked, While I'm at it would you like me to get an MRI to have ready for our appointment on Tuesday? I could do it Monday or even later today.

That's when semi-euphoric dreamland became practical, cost containment, reality. No, they told me. They didn't want an MRI until after we met.

Not sure why that makes sense. Seems we would have more to talk about if we had more information. I'll bet you two bits they order an MRI on Tuesday. I'll have to arrange another ride and another appointment to review the MRI we could've reviewed during our initial meeting.

I guess that's just the way these things work.

I'd be interested in comparing the two MRI images. Well, guess that'll be next time. I'll keep you posted.

Got Spoons?*

2009-12-31T16:44:00.000-08:00

It's here. My copy of Shades of Grey by Jasper Fforde has arrived. It's a good thing it arrived just before a long weekend because I already have enough Distractions From Work.

This is my first book for 2010 and the last book of 2009 all at the same time. My alpha and omega. If I start writing with a slight English accent, you'll know why.

The protagonist is Red which is cool because that's my favorite color. Oh, the joy! The insanity! The sheer pleasure! It's so awesome.

*You're just going to have to read the book, now, aren't you?

A Word From Our Sponsor

2009-12-31T16:42:00.000-08:00

Here's an offer that's so limited, you can't have it.

2009-12-31T11:08:00.001-08:00

Getting an x ray. No buttons on my underwear today!

Open Letter to Jasper Fforde

2009-12-30T10:09:00.000-08:00

c/o Third Place Books
17171 Bothell Way NE
Lake Forest Park,
WA 98155

Dear Mr. Fforde:

I regret I will be unable to attend your book reading and signing on January 8th. I have been looking forward to your appearance in Seattle ever since I knew that your newest book, Shades of Grey, was due to be released.

The fact is I have a herniated disc that does not allow me to travel well. Or anything else, for that matter. I only have relief by lying down which is precisely what I am doing at this very moment.

I received a copy of your new book as a Christmas present which is due arrive any day. I thought I might mail it to Third Place Books for your signature but I can't even get out of bed to get to the post office. Besides, I thought it might be bad form for me to make a request of Third Place Books if I didn't actually buy the book from them. And then there was the risk the book wouldn't be returned which was a risk I am not prepared to take.

Maybe Third Place Books would be good enough to have you sign a new book and then mail it to me along with an invoice for all costs, including shipping and handling, and the wages paid for the low level employee who had to stand in line as my surrogate. Would you mind asking them for me since you'll be there anyway? Any chance you could include a photo of you with my surrogate? I would be much obliged.

Missing this appearance makes me double my regret at having missed your earlier appearance in the Seattle area on August 1st, 2007, during your promotion of First Among Sequels. It wasn't because I was unaware of your appearance or that I forgot to write it on my calendar. I didn't miss it because of health issues; I was perfectly healthy in 2007. I missed it, if I am to be perfectly candid, because it was sunny that day.

I would be surprised if anyone had shown up unless they were originally from out of town. However, any Seattle-ite that I know was outside enjoying the sunshine. I have no doubt that I was there with you in spirit as I most likely was reading, or had already read, First Among Sequels by that time.

Perhaps that is why you decided to return in January when the likelihood of sunshine here is at its lowest. A very wise decision. You should have a much better turnout than you did in August.

For having missed your Seattle appearances, I would like to help you out with a couple useful tips for visiting here:

There is only one place to get coffee. (What I mean is one chain of stores as you should run into one every few feet.) Plus, you will stand out as a foreign traveler if you don't order properly. I would suggest you order a
. 1/3rd decaf
· Triple shot
· Grande
· Sugar free vanilla
· Sugar free hazelnut
· Soy
· Light whip cream
· Extra hot
· 175 degrees
· White chocolate mocha

Also, there is a very high geek population here which you may have already been exposed to as they are not known to enjoy sunshine and may have been at your August book signing. I imagine your books go over well with the geek population already so I assume you need no further instruction on this matter.

I very much hope you enjoy your visit and the weather is not too dreary while you are here (although I imagine it must be much like Swindon). I'm sorry I didn't get to see you, for a second time. Much success to you on your U.S. tour. I hope to catch you the next time you're here.

Until then (unless I can persuade you to drop by the house on the way to the airport),
Lynn C.

P.S. The Seattle Times recently reported an incidence of time bandits in the area during the Christmas weekend. Please dispatch Thursday Next (and perhaps her father if you can reach him) as soon as possible. We are in need!

Melts In Your Mouth Not In Your Hands

2009-12-30T09:55:00.000-08:00

Today's pill count will be 26! Actually 27, if you include the one I was taking before this all started, 28 if you include a multivitamin.

I spoke with my doctor yesterday and we tweaked the drug cocktail. We are in agreement that conservative measures are not working and surgery is the most likely outcome. (I already have an appointment to see someone in the Neurology department on Jan. 5.) In the meantime, we're trying a new combination of pills to see if we can't manage the pain better. The new recipe drops the two yellow ones for 12 (count 'em, 12) brown ones.

So now I take six white ones, two red ones, six green ones, and 12 brown ones. Every day. I wrote it all down someplace so I can keep track of which ones to take when.

I'm thinking it would be easier if I dumped them all into a bowl and just took a handful every couple of hours or so.

Where is Thursday Next When You Need Her?

2009-12-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

Seattle's Museum of History and Industry was the victim of time bandits over the Christmas weekend. The good news is the damage can be repaired and Thursday should be here soon.

Heating Oil Angels

2009-12-29T15:45:00.000-08:00

Not me. These guys: Heating Oil Angels.

Queries

2009-12-27T18:57:00.001-08:00

If all good things must come to an end, do bad things necessarily last forever?

Is it bad when the hair on my legs gets so long I confuse it with my spider veins?

If I point my head towards the television, will you be convinced I'm really watching this game?

What's the difference between football Sunday, football Monday, football Thursday, and football Saturday?

Time!

2009-12-27T17:06:00.000-08:00

Today is Day 10 after the epidural and I will have to report that it didn't work. I can move around a little more than I could before, I have been in a car, and can take my meals sitting at the table. So, that's progress.

But I couldn't type my last post sitting down. I tried to do it at my desktop but I had to take breaks to lie down before I could finish. Still, I shaved my legs and cut my toenails (but now I'm paying for it).

Better luck next time, I guess.

Ghosts

2009-12-27T14:21:00.000-08:00

I had the most bizarre dream last night. I dreamt that I was visited by three ghosts, one after another. The first ghost was the ghost of Christmas Wild. This ghost led me on a journey that went over a river and through some woods. Upon arriving at our destination, I was presented with a domestic scene, the decibel level of which compared to that of a jackhammer. Everyone was smiling even though the only mode of communication seemed to be wild arm movements as nothing could overcome the din. Even amid all the noise and confusion, I found a peace that each family member possessed knowing they were together with people they love and care about. As this scene faded away, all that was left was paper strewn about everywhere, piles of dishes in the sink, leftover sugar-coated treats - and smiles on everyone's faces.

Before I could say, "Merry Christmas to all...," I was visited by a second ghost. This was the ghost of Christmas Child. This ghost was very short - about 24 inches. To make eye contact, I had to get down on the floor which was a good thing since I'm vertically challenged anyway. This ghost was enchanting - I couldn't take my eyes off him. Nobody could. Before long, everyone was on the floor grinning and cooing. The ghost was well aware that everyone was looking at him and he took full advantage and even posed for photographs (although no signatures). As the night wore on this little ghost got cranky and smelled bad. What was the meaning of this, I wondered. Was this ghost adorable or just manipulative? Cranky or just up past his bedtime? Smelly or just needed to change his pants?

I was still contemplating these mysterious visions when a third ghost appeared. This was the ghost of Christmas Flamingos. Even though the ghost brought food and spirits, this ghost was very scary and stayed a very long time. I was presented with a scene that was slightly out of focus and I could hear people talking but something was wrong with their words. Everything they said became onebigstrungoutslipperyword. I kept wondering, how long will this last? How long must I be tortured by karaoke? Could it be that this is a vision of things to come? Must this continue until morning? Neighbors had lined up on the sidewalk to view the spectacle. They all wore expressions of confusion and had their hands over their ears. Was it cold outside? Was it about to snow? Could they hear no evil?

The ghost would not answer my questions. I was afraid of what the morning would bring. I begged the ghost of Christmas Flamingos as I tugged at her robes. We began to tussle and all of a sudden I found myself in bed wrestling with my bedsheets. I threw off the covers (drank my juice, ate my breakfast bar, swallowed some pain meds, waited for their effect) and ran (okay, limped) to the window.

No, it didn't snow. And no, there were no flamingos.

Relieved that I was alone, I pondered how the chips and dip and all my glassware had appeared on every available surface. It must have been a dream but what was its meaning?

I shook my head. I did't know. But, I was sure as hell that I woud be taking it easy on New Year's Eve!

Recipe For Disaster

2009-12-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

Ingredients

1 herniated disk
1 PMS
1 handful Holidays
20+ relatives

Mix carefully as ingredients are volatile.

Am I Really ...

2009-12-22T11:28:00.000-08:00

...pa⋅tient?

–adjective
4. bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

Synonyms:
1. invalid. 4. uncomplaining, long-suffering, forbearing, resigned, passive, calm. 5. quiet, serene, unruffled, unexcited, self-possessed, composed. 6. sedulous, assiduous, untiring.

Antonyms:
4. hostile. 5. impatient, agitated.

Maybe the previous post (appearing next) should have be entitled something else....

Patient Patient

2009-12-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

I told myself I wouldn't goof off today - and yet here I am. Maybe I can compromise by not staying long....

I'm getting my house cleaned and I'm telling you it will be worth every single penny. The house looks great. I'm telling you right now that if you need a house cleaner I can recommend this woman very highly. (I wonder if she cooks.....)

Saturday and Sunday were pretty good. (We're talking about me now.) I was able to get up and more around a little and also got to leave the house. However, Monday was pretty much back to my horizontal world. Today, I'm calling my roster of doctors to find out what's next ... when what to my wondering eyes should appear, this which I found on a website, here:

"It can take six to 10 days before you begin to respond to the steroid."

Okay. This could be the best of all possible situations. There is a possibility that this thing can still work. In the meantime, I can milk the cookie fairy for all s/he's worth!

(very quiet sinister laugh so as not to land me on the Naughty List)

Attitude Check

2009-12-20T12:42:00.001-08:00

I didn't want to leave anyone with the impression that I'm depressed. I'm really okay; my attitude remains positive. If things don't work out today, they'll work out some other day. I have no doubt about that.

I had a visitor yesterday. We have friends visiting today. My netbook is portable so even though I'm horizontal, I'm not in bed (at the moment). I'm on the floor watching football. (Okay, technically, I'm not really watching. But it's on the TV and I'm feigning interest.)

The only problem I have (okay, I have many problems) is the kink in my right shoulder from typing on my side. (Try it. It's a skill.) Maybe I could prop up my arm with a roll of paper towels or something.

I got a lot of response from Sew Buttons On Your Underwear. Glad you liked it.

So, speaking of getting on with my life, I should probably take a shower and brush my teeth. (I'd floss but I ran out. It's on the list.)

The Jury's Out

2009-12-20T11:29:00.000-08:00

...but it doesn't look good for the good guys.

I don't know if this is working. Yesterday was a pretty good day and I was hopeful that the drugs were taking effect. I wore a lumbar decompression belt (a girdle-like contraption) and there was some pain but it subsided after a bit. In fact, I left the house (first time in a while that didn't involve a doctor). I rode in the car which is something I haven't done in months without some level of pain. And, best of all, I was able to eat dinner at the dinner table. (Sadly, I've been taking all my meals either in bed or lying on the floor because I couldn't sit long enough to eat an entire meal.)

I have my quarter and my dime in my pocket and I take them out often and put them where I can see them, one next to the other. I look at them at try to visualize a healthy disc and a healthy spinal cord. I'm thinking about taping them to my back with the idea of transmitting this ideal directly to my spine. (I'll try anything.)

On Friday and Saturday, I didn't notice much of a change. While I waited for something to happen, I vowed I would resume a normal life (as much as possible) no matter how this turned out. I want to visit with friends and go back to work. I will just need to make adjustments. I thought I would miss Christmas but now I'm planning on going to the annual family fete and I don't think anyone will mind if I just claim some carpet and just hang out on the floor. (It's sort of odd, but so is my family.)

I also gave some thought to modifying my work environment. My computer monitors don't need to be changed. I can just change the orientation of the image on the screen. I can build a little platform or rent a gurney to lay on while I work. I can mount the keyboard vertically and I can buy a roller ball mouse that can similarly be mounted.

Alternatively, we might be able to hire some hands. I would be like some evil villain who occupies a host body - me supplying the brain power and the host body doing the physical work. (The difference being, I would be working for good instead of evil. You know, if you can consider tax returns as good.)

Yesterday, I allowed myself to be hopeful. I thought I wouldn't need to do all that. Today, I'm not so sure. (I would cry but the antidepressants won't let me.) I got up this morning with a hopeful attitude but I was in pain before I finished making my coffee. I took some percocet and went back to my horizontal life.

It could still work but I'm not going to hold my breath and I'm going to get on with my life as best I can. Besides, I have some really great angels and sooner or later this will all work out. It just might be later.

Seriously

2009-12-17T18:53:00.000-08:00

(This is kind of a long post. Please don't miss the next post, Sew Buttons On Your Underwear.)

Everything went fine. Pretty much. Loose clothing. Check. No buttons on the underwear. Check. Prearranged cot for lying down upon arrival to Anesthesiology. (record player scratching) It seems the message was not conveyed to the appropriate person or persons - something about a new computer system and, you know - these guys just aren't used to checking for Notes in the Notes Field.

Not to worry. I found a half-comfortable bench and made myself half-comfortable. They did have a gurney for me to lie on when I got to the Operating Room.

Did I say Operating Room? Well, turns out that's where we were. I was expecting to be in any typical exam room. After all, I was only getting an injection. But we were in an operating room (my first) and it didn't look nearly as glamorous as it does on TV. It was both awesome (the equipment was pretty cool) and slightly nerve racking.

I was lying down when I met the doctor and we were able to conduct most of the interview that way. This is somewhat problematic and it occurs every time I see any doctor. I'm usually not in pain during this interview - either because I've made myself comfortable by lying on an exam table or because my meds are working. I pass all the tests with flying colors and when he asks, "How's your pain right now?" I have to reply that it's nearly zero but I always add "but it'll be a 10 in ten minutes." I get the feeling that I'm not taken seriously.

Anyway, this doctor, Dr. Needles, he showed me my MRI - which was the first time I had seen it. It was pretty spectacular. Imagine a circle about the size of a silver dollar and next to it, almost touching, is another circle the size of a dime. The silver dollar would be the disk and the dime would be the spinal cord.

Next, imagine there's a circle that encompasses the other two such that this boundary circle comes close to but doesn't touch the other two circles. I don't know what the boundary circle is called but imagine this boundary cannot be penetrated. (Actually, I believe it can be but just work with me here.)

Now, imagine the silver dollar becoming ovoid like an egg with the "pointy" end pointing towards the dime. My pointy silver dollar is crushing my dime! It was quite the visual and in my entirely unprofessional opinion I'm lucky to be walking at all!

With the preliminaries out of the way, including the signed consent stating that I am fully aware* that nearly anything could happen from this point forward, I got on the table and dropped my drawers.

After administering a local anesthetic, the doctor inserted a needle into a sacral foramina (the top one on the right). He would pause for an x-ray photo op, adjust the needle, take another x-ray, and so on, alternating slight movement of the needle with a current x-ray image showing him exactly what was going on.

At some point, while the needle was in me he casually mentions that he might nick a nerve. He asked if I wouldn't mind not jumping off the table if that should happen. (Breathe, breathe.) I could hear my heart monitor and I'm quite sure it was approaching 100. No problem, doc, I'll let you know.

As it turns out, he didn't nick anything so that was good. When everything was in position, he injected a dye. On the x-ray he could see where the dye spread and that told him where the medicine would spread. That done, he injected the medicine. At this point, I started feeling some pain. The dye and the medicine were now filling the remaining space between my ovoid silver dollar and my flattened dime. Space being limited, this caused extra pressure on the dime.

We finished up, I got off the table, and I received my "post-op" care. While I was standing there, the dye and medicine continued to crush my poor little dime. Let me just say here that the pain I was now feeling made the last two and a half months look like sissy stuff. The Do Re Mi scale didn't apply any longer. Before I left the room, I couldn't put any pressure on my right leg at all. I had to request a wheelchair ride out of the hospital. (I didn't get a sticker or a lollipop or nothin'.)

Getting in and out of the car was pretty tricky but by the time we got home, some of that pain wore off so I was able to hobble to my trusted bed under my own power. And now the pain as at the level it was this morning which is 0 when I'm lying down and pain and numbness when I stand up, escalating in intensity over a span of ten minutes to the point I need to lie down again.

It could be a couple days before I know if this worked or not. If not, they can try again from a different approach.

*If you don't count the four percocet I took earlier.

Sew Buttons On Your Underwear

2009-12-17T18:14:00.001-08:00

For my appointment today, I was advised to wear loose clothing. And, so I did. But having exposed my derriere as many times as I have in the last few months*, I took careful consideration with my underwear. I knew that my pants would necessarily be lowered so I wanted to be sure the waistband was pretty, that the elastic was not unraveled or stretched out, and - heaven forbid - there were no holes.

I also knew the procedure involved x-ray.

The last time I got an x-ray was October 12 which was the first time I consulted my primary care physician regarding this pain I was having. I went to Radiology where I exchanged my clothes for a gown - cloth, not paper, but ill-fitting all the same. No metal was the rule - no jewelry and, if my bra had metal hooks, no bra. Under my ill-fitting gown, I was only in my drawers. And just so you know, these didn't have holes in them either. They were striped boy-short style from Victoria Secret.

I was posed in various positions - standing up and facing forward, standing sideways, lying down on my back, and lying on my side. Some of these positions were painful to get in and out of. But after some time we got it all done and I was allowed to return to my street clothes. It was then - I remember the exact moment - as I was zipping up my jeans I looked down and realized I had buttons on my underwear!

They're not functional, mind you, nor are they metal. But they were there. I came out of the dressing room, half dressed and with all humility (actually, humiliation was more like it) I had to confess that I had buttons on my underwear.

The technician looked at me with absolute disbelief. She was so incredulous that I had to lift the gown and show her. She quickly checked the images and determined that, for the present purpose, the buttons wouldn't interfere. However, she indicated she would "note the file" so that whoever saw the images wouldn't misinterpret the dark spots on my x-rays.

Needless to say, I made sure I wasn't wearing buttons on my underwear today!

*For purposes of this post, I am omitting exposure due to alcohol.

Angels and Demons

2009-12-17T10:55:00.000-08:00

I am a little worried that the responses from the Universe, or what have you, have been coming from demons rather than angels. Before I saw Dr. Other Guy, I asked the angels for three things: 1) Relief from worry; 2) a solution; 3) make the solution obvious. It turns out (from reviewing earlier posts) that I also asked for traction to work in six treatments. It didn't but it's interesting to note that I quit after seven.

So here I am thinking that all the answers that have been provided have been coming from angels. But what if they haven't been? What if the answers haven't been yet revealed? (That, grasshopper, is always the Question.)

There have been times during my period of bed rest that I had the thought that the next time I leave this house, it will be on a stretcher. Unfortunately, it has come very close to that. For today's appointment, Hubby will drive and I will be lying down on the back seat. I've prearranged for the doctor's office to have something for me to lie on while in the waiting area and during the doctor consult/interview. Of course, I will be lying down for the procedure but I needed to make arrangements for me to lie down between the car and the actual procedure.

My dark thought has been that the obvious, unambiguous question will come in the form of emergency surgery because something has ruptured or my condition has been deteriorating, unchecked, while I wait for this appointment, or that doctor, or those test results, or whatever. While the doctors (administrators, insurance company) are doing what they're doing, I'm just lying here getting worse.

But that's not what I believe. I don't know if this injection will work or not. But I do believe that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. (Just as I finished writing that sentence, an angel appeared and he gave me a cookie! Is that a good sign, or what?)

I think the demons are just in my head. (But wish me luck anyway!)

Time Keeps on Drippin' Drippin' Drippin'

2009-12-15T16:28:00.000-08:00

(Or, Who is Steve Miller and Why is he in the rain?, Alex....)

I am so busy today that I had to interrupt whatever I was doing in order to do this. I was actually going to name this post Sick Day but time was getting away from me and this is what you get instead:

Sorry, boss. I can't come in to work today, not even via a remote connection from my bed. I have several very excellent reasons which mostly fall under the category of Avoiding Work. (Please remember, I have studied under the Great Master of Avoidance so don't even challenge me on this one.)

I am so busy that I will have to prioritize. Yes, it's come to that. Maybe even make a list. It's that serious.

First, my sleeping habits severely limit the time available to be productive. Twelve hours of sleep, while an excellent source of creativity, is generally not as productive as being awake.

Second, I have several posts that have to be written. This one, one that will soon follow with the clever title of Angels and Demons, and one that will deal with the issue of Cost Containment in Health Care. These things don't just happen. All the stuff you find on the internet has to come from somewhere.

Along those lines, I need to contact my doctor today. The reasons for that will be covered under the forthcoming Angels and Demons post. I also need to further my research on the cost containment issue before I publish my thoughtful remarks on the subject.

Third, I have decided that today is the day to get my internet shopping done. I have my wallet right here beside me, and I know how to use it.

Fourth, ... I'm pretty sure there were several other reasons that I can't bring to mind at the moment. Be assured, however, they were very important and very time consuming. (I probably should have made that list.)

I will make every effort to Avoid as quickly as possible so that I may resume my normal duties. I hope this will not affect my massive Corporate Bonus.

P.S. This post took several hours in itself and I haven't even adressed the other aforementioned Very Important Avoidances. While working on this post, I found it absolutely necessary that I change all my formatting settings, check in on Facebook, and take a call from Glenn. So, as you can see, I might be out all week. You may feel free to mail my paycheck to my home adress. Thank you.

Backyard Angels

2009-12-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to mention the angels in my backyard. You see, once upon a time in a land about 2,000-3,000 miles away (depending on where you start), a little girl (that would be me) was allowed to name the family cat. Little Girl must have had strong feelings for the babysitter because she named the cat after her, Mrs. Setzler.

Little Girl's mother was afraid that Mrs. Setzler would be offended if she knew that her name had been given to a cat (or, in fact, she was) so Little Girl agreed to change the name which became Mrs. Setzler-Angel.

Little Girl grew up and moved the aforementioned far, far away, got married to her Prince Charming, moved into a castle and lived happily every after - until, that is, some Evil Wizard cast his wicked spell causing debilitating back pain for Little Girl who was now all grown up.

In search for a cure, Now Grown Little Girl was advised to seek the antidote (I considered using anecdote) from angels. So, she set about looking for angels everywhere she went.

One day, a friendly black and white cat came to visit Now Grown Rapidly Aging Little Girl. NGRALG liked the cat very much so decided to name it Formerly From California Charlie (although she briefly considered Thunder Snow and later shortened the name to Charlie). She later discovered that Charlie was a girl cat, so NGRALG renamed the cat Charlie-Angel and considered the matter settled.

Not so, because several days later Charlie-Angel showed up in the backyard with a friend - another black and white cat. "I must name this new cat," thought Now Grown Rapidly Aging Broken Little Girl. Presuming the new cat to be male, NGRABLG wondered if Charlie-Angel's friend should be called Sylvia. Deciding against it, she named him Mr. Angel. But since all fairytale damsels (or she-cats, as the case may be) need a prince, he was renamed Prince Angel.

And, that's how I came to have two angels in my backyard.

There's no moral to this tale (or tail), except don't step on a crack. What they say is true!

Demotivation

2009-12-13T17:11:00.001-08:00

I won the 2010 demotivational calendar from Despair, Inc. at last night's company Christmas party. Oh, yes! I am so uninspired!

I had four percocet before I even left the house and two more just before the party started and I did fine. I know this drug can make people pretty high, but it doesn't seem to have that effect on me. (Of course, anyone who is high probably thinks he isn't!) Anyway, the pain level was very tolerable.

We had a great time. Two women organized it and did a fabulous job. Dinner and presents, games and good cheer. Only Rudolph was missing. (We were told he was down the street at Starbucks getting a latte.)

We had several attendees who were not employees but relatives or friends of employees. One (a Follower's sister) attends every year and even looks forward to the event. Asked what she was doing this weekend, she told people she was going to someone else's company Christmas party. Who does that?

January brings in a new calendar, a new book and a visit from its author (see Motivation, previous post, appearing next), and hopefully a change in this blog's name to Chocolate Chip Mint (see second post, second to last).

Ironically, my resolutions for 2009 were to be cured of back pain (which means I was suffering some form of back pain a year ago, the specifics of which I can't recall except my medical records show that I sought physical therapy in February of 2009), and to read a particular book. I didn't keep the second and I don't have to tell you how I did on the first.

I think I'll just focus on the upcoming week before I worry about the upcoming New Year.

Motivation

2009-12-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Jasper Fforde will be in the Seattle area on January 8th promoting his new book, Shades of Grey. Woo hoo!

Better to Read Anyway

2009-12-10T13:11:00.000-08:00

I got two new Netflix movies in the mail yesterday but had to get Hubby to dig through the recycle bin because that's where I put them directly after I got them from the mailbox.

I also had to report one movie never arrived. My Netflix account shows that it was mailed November 24. Now I wonder if that one got recycled too!

Besides making me ditzy (really, I wasn't before), the meds make me sleepy. I've been sleeping until 10. So today, instead of taking my meds at bedtime, I'll try taking them with dinner to see if I can't get up at some more reasonable time.

I'm also going to call a housekeeper. Today.

I just started reading Disquiet, Please! The dust jacket says "If laughter is the best medicine, Disquiet, Please is truly a wonder drug."

I couldn't agree more.

New Low

2009-12-09T12:06:00.001-08:00

I'm watching daytime TV. Must. Get. Out. Of. Bed.

Brew

2009-12-08T11:22:00.000-08:00

If only the coffee maker were here in the bedroom, right on the night stand. Wouldn't that be perfect? Just within arm's reach....

Dr. Needles

2009-12-08T09:19:00.000-08:00

I'm really tired. I'm still in bed with no desire to get out. I'm assuming it's the meds that's making me feel this way.

I dropped out of traction yesterday. Dr. Stretch sent me an e-mail imploring me to come back. He even offered free treatments unless or until it works. He said he would call me as well which hasn't happened yet. While his offer is generous, I don't think I'll change my mind. First of all, I'm committed to getting this shot and the two treatments are incompatible. Secondly, while there's time to get in five more treatments before the epidural, I just can't find the energy to get out of bed.

This second reason is a stupid one for not to seeking treatment. But as I mentioned before, I'm not sure it was working, and I'm not sure it ever will. Dr. Stretch is a firm believer in this treatment and it's hard not to get caught up in his enthusiasm (especially when he's offering free treatments). Plus, he's a really good and caring person. Plus, PLUS, treatment would give me a reason to get out of bed at least every other day!

Getting out of bed is the best reason I can think of for continuing treatment. That's a lousy reason for seeking treatment for a spinal disorder, but might be a good reason for a mental disorder. I might have to think about that one!

In the meantime, as I lie in bed and avoid phone calls from jilted health care providers, I have scheduled my epidural appointment. Actually, I scheduled two with two different doctors. I can only keep one.

There are two different delivery systems for the epidural. The first (which would be this Friday) is delivery via a catheter which is inserted at the affected area. The insertion is based on the MRI and x-ray images, as I understand it. A local anesthetic is administered and the whole procedure is performed by an anesthesiologist.

The second is similar except the insertion of the delivery system (needle?) is guided by x-ray. My understanding is I will be on an x-ray table during the procedure so the doctor will be able to more accurately deliver the medicine. I think I will be opting for this method but it means I will have to wait until December 17. Between now and then, I can take my meds, stay in bed, and even continue traction.

The medicine is mostly an anti-inflammatory which is supposed to reduce the pressure on my spinal cord caused by the herniated disc. I asked Dr. Other Guy about surgery yesterday and he still thinks this may go away on its own. Even if it does not, how I respond to the shot will help him (and eventually a surgeon) understand what surgery is necessary. Dr. Other Guy has not discouraged me from continuing traction. He said it was great for people with disposable incomes and that it probably wasn't hurting me. (But he also said there was nothing proven to reduce the time it takes for this to heal.)

December 17 seems like a long way away.

Meds and Bedrest

2009-12-06T13:30:00.000-08:00

The first is a picture of me on bedrest taken by my netbook. I'm actually lying down but the netbook is propped up on its side so the orientation is correct from the camera's point of view - if that makes any sense at all.

The second is is a picture of All My Meds. (Good title for TV drama?) Taken in my kitchen with my phone.

I'm getting way too comfortable in bed.... It's not a bad life - you know, if you don't really need one. Breakfast and coffee in bed. Endless surfing. No chores.

One of my friends brought me a latte and visited with me in bed. (She wasn't in bed with me. Just clarifying....) If I didn't have to think about work or non-virtual relationships, I think I would just stay here.

I wonder if I put myself on bedrest a month ago if this would all be over by now.

Surgery

2009-12-05T09:20:00.000-08:00

I've never had any so what do I know. I don't even have the injection scheduled and I'm already thinking about the surgery. The question isn't whether I should have the injection versus traction. I think the question is really traction versus surgery. All the injection does is give me some pain relief while my body tries to heal itself. But everyone seems to say that really all injections are a precursor to surgery. No one gets the injection and then just gets better. Surgery always follows injection.

Again, what do I know? But from where I lay, surgery sounds like relief.

Taking It Easy

2009-12-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

I'm blogging from bed. I have my netbook on it's side.... Typing is a little awkward.

I'm starting yet a new drug today. The muscle relaxant doesn't seem to be doing anything for me so now I've been prescribed an antidepressant. Theoretically, I should be pain free, relaxed, and happy!

I've been getting traction three times a week which so far hasn't improved my condition but makes me feel proactive while I'm waiting around for my doctors to figure this out. So in addition to relaxed and happy, I should be a couple inches taller.

I was told during today's traction, I should just go home afterward and lay down. So here I am, in bed with my netbook, listening to Pandora, watching Hulu, and keeping in touch with my faithful readers.

I'm waiting to hear from an anesthesiologist to schedule my epidural. Meanwhile, I have a decision to make: I can't do both the epidural and continue the traction treatments. If I could stay in bed for another four weeks while I continue the traction, I might consider it. But it's expensive, might ultimately not work, and I really need to get back to work.

The epidural option is attractive because it could provide me with some pain relief, is less expensive, will allow me to get back to work, and get off narcotics. It has the potential to give me my life back. Gee, when I put it that way the choice seems clear.

On the other hand, if the epidural doesn't work, the only options left are finding an oral pain regimen that works, starting all over with the traction treatments (they're progressive in nature and I'm almost to the halfway point now), or surgery.

If the doctor is right that this will most likely go away on its own, the traction is irrelevant and the only issue left is pain management. From that point of view, the epidural seems to be the right choice. I'm leaning that way anyway.

Traction (DRX 9000, actually) is promoted as an alternative to surgery. (Turns out there's no literature to support this.) The underlying premise, or one of them anyway, is that surgery is bad and should be avoided at all costs. (Let me remind you, traction is costly.) On the other hand, if the doctor had told me that the MRI indicated surgery was necessary, I would have jumped on the opportunity just for the pain relief.

Oh well. Until I hear from the anesthesiologist, I'll just take it easy.

Prick*

2009-12-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

From my doctor:

I had asked someone to phone you about this so here is the text of that. Please let her know that the MRI does demonstrate a disc herniation which I think accounts for her pain it is something that I think will still resolve over time. If she wishes better pain control for now she might consider an epidural steroid injection. If she has questions about this let me know. The epidural steroid injection might help decrease inflammation and swelling and lessen pain while we wait for this to get better.What it means is that the disc has protruded out beyond its normal confines and is more in the middle of the canal but is to the side some and may be coming in contact with the nerve that could cause the buttock pain. Typically this type of pain would go all the way down the leg but right now it doesn't appear to be that way for you. So in general these get better on their own most of the time without surgery. The issue is pain control. There haven't been any therapies proven to shorten the course of time it takes to recover. So the purpose of the epidural steroid injection is to improve pain control until it is clear that this is improving on its own.

*I was referring to the injection, not the doctor, btw.

MRI Results

2009-12-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

Don't know what this means yet:

Narrative
[HST]: Buttock pain on the right and right ankle pain
[SAS]: As aboveTechnique: Nonenhanced MRI of the lumbar spine. Comparison: None available.
Correlation: October 15, 2009.
Findings: The lumbar spine shows a smooth lordotic curvature within normal promontory angle. The vertebral bodies are normal in number, shape and interrelationships.There is minimal to mild degenerative T2 signal loss and intervertebral discs with moderate loss of normal disc height at L5/S1. There are mild, multilevel degenerative facet and ligamentum flavum hypertrophic changes.Conus medullaris terminates the level of L1.

Limited, visualized soft tissue structures are grossly unremarkable.

L3/4: No focal disc herniation, central canal or neural foraminal narrowing.
L4/5: No focal disc herniation, central canal or neural foraminal narrowing.
L5/S1: Large, central disc protrusion contributing to moderate to severe central canal and proximal bilateral moderate neural foraminal narrowing, left greater than right.

Impression: Central disc protrusion contributing into central canal and neural foraminal narrowing. L5/S1.

POSITIVE ALERT COMMENT: Radiology significant finding alert system has been activated.

2009-12-02T14:21:00.001-08:00

Computer problems so short post today. Had the MRI today and started taking a muscle relaxant. Not sure it's working yet.

Pain Scale Revised

2009-11-30T19:01:00.001-08:00

A Follower of this (b)log has suggested the following changes to the Pain Scale:

11 = Homicidal
12 = Suicidal

Dr. Other Guy

2009-11-30T18:51:00.000-08:00

Got in to see the doctor today and he ordered an MRI. Didn't get much more than that done. It felt like a waste of time because I could have told him I needed an MRI a month ago. And I could have done that by phone.

He also made some recommendations for additional pain medications which he can't actually prescribe. No, he can only add his notes to the file. I have to talk to my regular doctor for that. So, I called her office and we have an appointment for a telephone consultation tomorrow afternoon. I don't know what combination of drugs he recommended but it'll be some cocktail!

So, no. No answers. He said the symptoms don't really point to any easy diagnosis. Many of the symptoms point to a pinched nerve, however if that's what it really is the symptoms would be more like this. The symptoms could be indicative of a muscle problem, but then the symptoms would look a little more like that.

The MRI isn't a very good diagnostic tool for fishing expeditions. It can be helpful if it clearly points to something or clearly eliminates something else. But two identical MRI's can produce completely different (or no) symptoms in different patients. So any results from the MRI has to be somewhat obvious to be of any use. If not, the next step would be additional testing of some kind.

The MRI is scheduled for Wednesday. At least I didn't have to wait another month for that! They told me on the phone I'll be able to go in feet first so it shouldn't be too bad. They also told me I should wear something comfortable - and nothing with metal - so I'm planning on wearing my pajamas and my slippers that look like little rubber duckies. :-)